Hangin' on Posco Pier!
YOUR HOME — A camel spider you unknowingly adopted during your recent Iraq deployment has expressed excitement at the prospect of finally meeting you. “I can’t believe how generous my benefactor is,” the six-inch-long solifugid told reporters from inside your large green duffel bag at the airport. “Not only have I been spirited out of…
By General Mark A. Milley – Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff As we stand on the precipice of yet another shitty little conflict, I was taken aback with the news that the Selective Service website recently crashed due to the overwhelming number of citizens searching for how to avoid a potential draft. It is beyond…
FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Cpl. Marcus Watkins of the 173rd Logistical Battalion has inspired hundreds by actually doing his job, sources report. Watkins has been praised for filling out paperwork on time, answering emails, and even showing up to work. Conduct like this has placed him head and shoulders above his peers at the office. “Watkins…
MOSUL, Iraq — Islamic State leader Abu Abdul Bari always suspected infidel intelligence services were on to him. For years, he lived in fear of the CIA, Mossad, and the Ghost Busters. So he was not surprised when he recently Googled himself and learned from Wikileaks that he had been issued an “objective name,” an…
THIS CRAZY, BEAUTIFUL WORLD — Some moments in nature are beautiful simply because of how rare they are. Many beautiful events are nothing compared to the glory that is a raven taking flight. And then there are some natural events that are indescribable. A warrant officer showing up to PT? There are no words. When…
FORT LEE, Va. — Lt. Col. Wendell Bowers caused the United States to lose the Global War on Terror this week after he allowed his S3 section leave prior to 1900 hours one evening, sources confirm today. “Next week, we will publicly surrender to the Taliban, the Islamic State, and several other B-list terrorist groups,…
WASHINGTON – Austrian daredevil Felix Baumgartner was awarded U.S. Space Force jump wings today, making him the very first recipient of the new service’s most coveted badge. The U.S. flew him in from Vienna to honor his heroic 2012 jump from the stratosphere, wherein he became the first man to break the sound barrier without…
KABUL — Army Spc. Wyatt Allen was furious Thursday after finding a rifle unattended in a portable latrine on Bagram Air Base, sources say. Allen became even angrier when he discovered that the rifle belong to none other than Gen. Austin S. Miller, the four-star general commanding all US forces in Afghanistan. “These fucking Delta…
YOUR COLON – Hello human carrier. It is us, the grains of sand stuck so far up your bunghole that you’d need a colonoscopy by a real civilian doctor to find us. Looks like your ass, our host, is headed back to Iraq. It’ll be a homecoming for all of us, so is this deployment…
WASHINGTON, Planet Earth – The first Chief of Space Operations, Gen. John Raymond, deeply regrets crowdsourcing the name for America’s newest military branch, according to sources. “I thought it would be a fun way to get young airmen involved in the process,” lamented the general, who sources say has never spoken to a young airman…