Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — With the 20th anniversary of the disastrous Pearl Harbor movie just over a year away, a private commission is urging creation of a monument to commemorate the tragic event. As people across the country prepare to remember the infamous events of May 25, 2001, a group of historians and veterans have gathered in…
KABUL — Fed up with its lack of progress and increasing obesity, the United States has told the Afghanistan War to “Get your ass off the couch and get a damn job!” according to sources. “I’ve fucking had it with this war,” said the nation, shaking its head and brushing lint off its cardigan sweater….
DJIBOUTI — An American soldier battling a potentially life-threatening coronavirus infection is just thankful he is not stationed at Fort Polk, Louisiana. “I try to keep a positive attitude because there are always people out there who are worse off,” Pvt. Wallace Simpson told reporters. “I mean, think about it: Right now some poor soul…
DOHA, Qatar – The Taliban has unexpectedly called for the extradition of the zookeeper who killed Harambe the gorilla, State Department officials confirmed today. The move has cast a pall of uncertainty just ahead of the deadline for a peace deal between the US and the Taliban. Harambe, a prominent Ohioan who achieved global celebrity…
FORT BRAGG — Devout Catholic and dedicated first sergeant Anthony Lawrence has decided to give up on the soldiers in his company for the 40-day period of Lent this year. The company commander, Capt. Patrick Donahue, is proud of his enlisted advisor for making such a sacrifice. “I’m giving up energy drinks and online poker…
MOSCOW — The Kremlin has decided to cease a variety of malign activities for Lent, reports say. The 40-day period includes all manner of hybrid warfare activities ranging from assassinating dissidents with nerve agents and shooting down civilian airliners to hacking US political parties and spreading propaganda on the Internet. Russian President Vladimir V. Putin…
FORT KNOX, Ky. – Army Human Resources Command (HRC) announced that Russian and Chinese army personnel specialists will review officer records in an “international delight” section of the new Battalion Commander Assessment Program (BCAP). Begun in January 2020, BCAP is designed to improve battalion command selection through comprehensive officer evaluations with personal interviews, physical fitness…
WASHINGTON — General Paul E. Funk II, Commander of US Army Training and Doctrine Command, released his command philosophy this week. Sources confirm it is just a list of inspirational memes lifted from the social networking site Pinterest. Experts have further determined the Pinterest quotes were adapted from a variety of sources, including a forwarded…
CORONADO, Calif. – Sources close to the Naval Special Warfare Command (NAVSPECWARCOM) have revealed the command has discreetly severed ties with the public relations firm of Livingston, Aldred, and Burley. Contracted in 2011, the firm had a single purpose — to help bring a paradigm shift to the public image of the Navy’s premier commando…
RESOLUTE SUPPORT HQ, Afghanistan — The potential for an end to The Forever War has prompted the generals in Afghanistan to scramble to create a formal plan for how to leave. Maj. Robert “Bob” Virile is up to the task. Bob is a real family man, and the perfect individual from a Public Relations perspective….