Hangin' on Posco Pier!
QUANTICO, Va. — The first confirmed case of the COVID-19 coronavirus in a U.S. military member has been traced to a Marine putting his hands in his pockets last week, according to sources. Pentagon sources say the unidentified Marine put his hands in his pockets for upwards of 30 seconds, despite strict orders from his…
HEIDELBERG, Germany — Lt. Gen. Christopher Cavoli, commander of all US Army forces in Europe, is totally not at work today because he has coronavirus and not because he’s having an epic day off, said US Army Europe spokesperson Maj. Traun Moore. According to a statement, Cavoli was absolutely recovering in bed because he did…
FORT DIX, N.J. — In response to the outbreak of novel Coronavirus, or COVID-19, a commander has opted to hold a mandatory all hands meeting to discuss quarantine procedures. “The best way to spread things is in person,” said Col. Vic Fleming, garrison commander. “We all need to get the same things across, and a little…
WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs returned a feedback survey to Staff Sgt. Michael Gillespie on Tuesday, noting “More evidence is needed before we can process your feedback.” “It’s frustrating,” said Gillespie, a retired soldier who was dissatisfied with the way the VA processed his disability claim. “I had to deal with them for…
WASHINGTON — Senior Pentagon officials paused their usual circle-jerk sessions to protect themselves from the coronavirus, sources confirmed today. Officials reportedly agreed to the moratorium after three people in the Washington, D.C., area were diagnosed with the disease last week, and after former President Barack Obama asked Americans to take “common sense precautions” like forgoing…
Leaving Afghanistan reminds many troops of getting divorced from their first spouse. While they may now be incredibly happy, free, and ready to bang anything that moves, it can be sad to say goodbye to a person or place that, while they made you miserable, provided some of life’s defining experiences. Much like a bad…
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Military priorities put majors last on the triage list as a part of procedures to manage the COVID-19 coronavirus outbreak, sources confirmed. Emails obtained by reporters show that the Army Surgeon General directed hospitals to apply a “Priority 3 (minimal care; do not resuscitate)” tag to majors. This tag prioritizes soldiers…
KABUL, Afghanistan — Despite America’s best efforts to leave Afghanistan, the central Asian country refuses to accept the breakup. Afghanistan responded to the latest attempt by texting, “Oh no you didn’t.” America’s social media relationship status with Afghanistan has long been listed as “It’s complicated.’ The open relationship involves a lot of financial support for…
ARLINGTON — Retired Major General Edmund G. Ripper was laid to rest on Thursday, and per the wishes outlined in his will, he was joined and forever entombed with copies of all of the PowerPoint slides that helped him throughout his 30-year career. “It’s not the first time we’ve had such a … voluminous request,”…
WASHINGTON — As the Army evaluates several prototype aircraft for its Future of Vertical Lift modernization initiative, one coal-powered tiltrotor is quickly gaining popularity with Congress. “This amazing piece of machinery is something our troops just really, really need to deter clean ener—ahem, the Russians,” said Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV). “Plus, coal power is organic…