Hangin' on Posco Pier!
FORT LIVING ROOM—The army announced it would stand up the Teleworking Center of Excellence by the end of the month, sources at Army Training and Doctrine Command (TRADOC) report. Col. Marcus Palmer, a staff officer at TRADOC, told reporters that after four days of teleworking, he was now ready to train, assist, and advise the…
CAPE DISAPPOINTMENT — Witnesses in the southwestern corner of Washington state have reported that a 47-foot Coast Guard vessel was last seen having the time of its fucking life crashing through gigantic 18-foot breakers past the Columbia River bar. The Coast Guard boat, known for its durability in treacherous weather, was heard yelling things like…
FORT HOOD, Texas — In a speech to his assembled battalion Tuesday, Sgt. Maj. Wade Thompson of the First Sustainment Brigade, First Cavalry Regiment, emphasized to his Soldiers that they must remain firm in the face of adversity. Thompson further reinforced his impassioned and motivational message by delivering it while visibly aroused. The content of…
EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE, California — As the saga of seemingly never-ending problems plaguing the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter Program continues, things took took an unexpected turn this past week, as the unhealthy aircraft has tested positive for coronavirus. “We are not sure how this happened,” an Air Force spokesman said. “We did everything we…
FORT BENNING, Ga. — Just one month from his final change of responsibility, Sgt. Maj. Christopher Roth realized that he needed one more emotional boost before his retirement. He had noticed things in his unit were going too well. Roth informed subordinate leaders that they would pointlessly hold formation one hour prior to morning flag…
WASHINGTON — The two-year old dependent of a local Marine just won’t stop misbehooving, sources at the Washington Marine Barracks report. Gunnery Sgt. Chester Thompson, whom subordinates collectively describe as a strict disciplinarian, appears to have met his match in the form of a three-foot tall, bipedal terror named Chad. “I don’t like getting into…
WASHINGTON — Vice President Mike Pence said late Monday that the Coast Guard Cutter Munro off the coast of San Francisco will remain offshore until funding for the crew to be tested for the coronavirus arrives and totally not because it might be riddled with various STDs. Speaking at the White House on Friday morning,…
WASHINGTON — Acting Secretary of the Navy Thomas B. Modly cited the importance of a 355-ship navy in the fight against the novel coronavirus at a think tank roundtable today in Washington. “Is Congress giving out $8 billion to combat the spread of Coronavirus?” a beleaguered Modly asked the audience. “Then shit yes. We are going to…
WASHINGTON — A recent tweet from the commander of a program dubbed “The Ark” has increased national concerns over the project nobody outside the Department of Defense had ever heard of before. The tweet in question came from the account of Capt. Noah Richardson, and it includes a photograph, which appears to have been taken…
THE CALIPHATE — Amid growing fears of the coronavirus, or COVID-19, pandemic, the Islamic State has announced it is canceling all suicide attacks for the foreseeable future to protect its bombers from infection. “Many of our best suicide bombing targets are yucky incubators of disease, like crowded bazaars, military bases, and popular cafes,” said ISIS…