Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
FORT BRAGG, N.C. – Sgt. First Class Allison Roto’s eyebrows set the example for lethality, sources say. In response to increasing threats from states like Iran and Russia, the U.S. Army has begun to modernize. The 21st century Army,“must dominate on all domains,” said Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley, “and Sgt. 1st Class…
WILD HORSE, Colo. – Eyes rolling with the centripetal force of a parabolic orbit, sources derided a newly minted space cadet’s efforts to impress the local populace today, unanimously cataloguing the Space Force’s freshest specimen as a “total fucking boot.” “Fuck, could he possibly try harder?” asked Tech Sgt. Emily Waller. “This douche is trying…
WASHINGTON — The US Navy has officially named a smart bomb after Capt. Brett Crozier, the officer who spoke up in order to protect his crew from COVID-19, in order to fire the Crozier missile from a ship after exhausting the option to fire Crozier from his position yet again. The CSG-86 missile will be…
FORT HOOD, Texas — Acting on a tip, agents from the Army’s Criminal Investigation Command arrested a group of specialists who occupied a barracks and declared it “autonomous from unrighteous laws and terrible torture such as adhering to the UCMJ, performing PT and eating at the DFAC.” OBAZ, which stands for Occupied Barracks Autonomous Zone,…
WASHINGTON — John Bolton’s tell-all book has been revealed as 400 pages of a madman rambling about the need to bomb Iran, sources report. “Initially we tried to prevent the release of Bolton’s book, The Room Where It Happened,” Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said. “We were worried it would contain classified information. Although Bolton…
CAIRO, Egypt — Intelligence personnel across the Middle East are closely monitoring events in the United States, as civil unrest continues spreading in the aftermath of the death of 46-year-old George Floyd at the hands of Minneapolis police officers. Officials in the Middle East have expressed concern the so-called American Spring could further destabilize North…
FORT BRAGG, NC – In the wake of nationwide protests, many Airborne Infantry soldiers are now calling on the Pentagon to defund the Military Police Corps. Citing bias against paratroopers in military police enforcement actions, the airborne are calling for a top-to-bottom overhaul of the MPs. “It’s a systemic problem,” said SSG Timmy Nash, a…
WASHINGTON — Military experts in counterinsurgency and nation-building claim they can bring nationwide protests against police brutality under control in just 17 years, sources report. “The unrest in our country is something we can fix, no problem,” Bob Egon, CEO of the Center for Perpetual War, said today. “We have a civilian population upset at…
FORT STEWART, Ga. — Since the implementation of social distancing across the Department of Defense, recognizing soldiers’ accomplishments has become more and more difficult. That hasn’t slowed down Fort Stewart’s top commander, who has continued to throw away thousands of dollars a month in coins of excellence. Maj. Gen. Daniel Cummings has decided that throwing…
THE PENTAGON – The Air Force formally added a new career field to its ranks this week, the 3C5XX Combat Podcaster. Under development for three years, this new profession promises to bring an informative yet zany edge to air power. “The timely dissemination of information is critical to the successful execution of our mission,” said…