Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
ARLINGTON, Va. — The Association of Divorced General Officers issued a statement Saturday supporting the renaming of bases in light of recent racial tensions throughout the United States. Citing “irreconcilable differences” between those officers who fought for the Confederacy and those who stayed true to the Union, Lt. Gen. Peter R. Davidson, ADGO spokesman, called…
DETROIT, Mich. — A military working dog’s incendiary diatribe has gone viral amid escalating demand for the cancellation of the police-themed television show, “Paw Patrol,” sources with the American Outrage Center (AOC) confirmed today. Thaddeus Rex, a decorated combat veteran with multiple deployments under his collar, posted an invective-laced rant to YouTube yesterday where it…
SWAMPSCOTT, Mass. — A man impersonating a National Guard soldier was promptly arrested today after authorities noticed he was “way too physically fit to be an actual Guardsman.” “He showed up at our checkpoint claiming he was a sergeant from another company, but his lean waistline and well-fitting body armor instantly gave him away,” said…
FORT MCCHRYSTAL, N.C. — Following a growing chorus of people calling to remove Confederate generals from the names of Army bases, the Pentagon today announced their intentions to rename posts for a different set of generals who lost a military campaign, sources confirmed today. “We have a longstanding tradition of honoring generals who squandered vast…
FORT LEE, Virginia – Garrison and area residents are marveling at the specter of Gen. Ulysses S. Grant urinating on the main gate of this post in what is being called “the Civil War’s first live streaming event.” According to local paranormal investigator Helen “Velma” Martinson, Grant’s ghost began his ethereal number one on the…
WASHINGTON — This week, U.S. Secretary of Defense Mark Esper authorized ‘Skype-suit’ attire for teleconferencing, acquiescing to demands for relaxed uniform standards for teleworking and hoping to distract from recent issues around his leadership. Personnel must wear the tops of their duty uniforms, but everything below the waist is a matter of personal discretion. Civilians…
SOUTH BURLINGTON, Vt. — In a stunning move from a company known for its liberal politics and opposition to violence, Ben & Jerry’s has announced an ice cream flavor in honor of former Secretary of Defense James Mattis as part of its monthly “Flavors of Courage” awards. “At first I was skeptical of [Mattis],” said…
MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — Minnesota National Guard units mobilized in response to ongoing protests report the situation on the ground is “Serious, dangerous, and just downright uncivilized.” “Oh yah, hey,” Captain Lina Linasdotterson said to reporters earlier today. “Is it crazy out there? You betcha. However we’re doing our best to reduce violence, stop looting, and…
WASHINGTON — As the United States works through its immense internal challenges with human rights, equality, and government use of force, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad seeks to help the US in the same way the US helped during the recent Syrian civil war. “We’re sending advisors from our elite special operations units to, you know,…
WASHINGTON – Continuing a streak of top five finishes that dates back to the country’s founding, America formally announced its second place victory in the Afghan War on Wednesday. “From the moment the War on Terror began, we knew we would settle for nothing less than a podium finish” said Secretary of Defense Mark Esper….