Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
THE PENTAGON — Gen. Paul E. Funk II has heard the cries of a starving nation. What world could be content with only 40 Funk Fundamentals? Not this one. The new list came to Gen. Funk in a dream, as if from within the Gates of Valhalla, itself. He awoke this morning knowing that the…
FORT HOOD, Texas – In what friends and family are calling an existential crisis, Chief Warrant Officer 3 Chris Vance has been unsure where to disappear to since being ordered to work from home in response to COVID19. Vance, a Blackhawk helicopter pilot and Unit Safety Officer, typically spends his workday vanishing from either the…
SAN DIEGO – Tim Chen, an accomplished Jody servicing the wives of the U.S. Navy pacific fleet, has been forced into banging his own wife due to social distancing measures during COVID-19. “I’m approaching this with patience and innovation,” said Chen. “I’m willing to corrupt a deployed sailor’s wife over zoom, sexting, or even Microsoft Teams….
PYONGYANG — While definitive information regarding the health of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un is notably absent, the secretive nation reported its first obesity related death in more than 70 years today, leading some Pentagon officials to believe the “Hermit Kingdom” has turned a corner in both agricultural development, and potentially human rights. “For decades,…
SAN DIEGO, Calif. — The fattest service nine years running, the Navy is seeking a solution to the obesity epidemic sweeping our nation’s military. The service has made it clear, however, that the solution must not entail regular unit physical training or actual, enforced height/weight standards. Leading from the deckplates, the sailors of the USS…
TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. – Despite attaining the rank of lieutenant colonel, assistant to the regimental S-3Z Jefferey Shortbus can best be described as a major asshole. The first indication of Lt. Col. Shortbus’ true colors came when he plastered the regimental headquarters with copies of his leadership philosophy, despite the fact that he is a…
PYONGYANG – Multiple intelligence sources announced Monday evening that Kim Jong Un, long time supreme leader of North Korea, is in critical condition while recovering from heart surgery. While sources vary on the severity of the despot’s condition and whether the surgery was a success, experts now agree that Kim Jong Deux has emerged as…
WASHINGTON — The Defense Department’s temporary halt to military moves could has left thousands of moving company workers unemployed. To offset the losses, companies are resorting to selling everyone’s stolen material goods, says a spokesperson for the American Moving and Storage Association. Greg Richards, director of government and military relations for U.S. Transportation Command, said…
PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has announced an agreement with the LEGO Group, which will begin manufacturing the next generation of landmines for use on the Korean peninsula. “This is going to be a game-changer,” said Col. Michael Roberts of Army Logistics and Materiel Command. “We’ve been looking for a new landmine that’s going…
WASHINGTON — To limit the spread of COVID-19, the Navy has announced the temporary loosening of its notoriously strict grooming standards. “We’re still going to make everyone go to work where they will be exposed to the virus,” said Acting Navy Secretary James E. McPherson. “[Former Acting SecNav Thomas] Modly’s idea was to let them…