Hangin' on Posco Pier!
For d-bags that can’t get it right…
KLEBER KASERNE, Kaiserslautern, Germany—Furloughed GS employee Molvin Pootnose has been dealing with the worldwide COVID-19 isolation restrictions better than most. He’s taken up origami, embarked on a documentary-viewing endeavor to broaden his historical knowledge, and has been practicing meditation daily. But if there’s one thing that he’s really missing, one thing that would make him…
SAN DIEGO — A representative of Princess Cruises has met with the U.S. Navy Pacific fleet to share what the cruise ship operator has learned about Coronavirus in the past month. “The important thing is to get people on ships,” said Pierre Phillipe, Princess Cruises spokesman. “You can figure out the rest underway.” Princess Cruises,…
NAS FALLON, Nev. — Navy fighter pilot, Lt. Lance “Ox” Mandrake, graduated first in his classes at the Naval Academy, Flight School, and TOPGUN. But his records indicate that, despite his 20/20 vision, he has yet again been passed over for promotion to O-4 for a glaring inability to see why kids love Cinnamon Toast…
ATLANTA, Ga – The U.S. Centers for Disease Control announced today that Army medical researchers have uncovered an intriguing characteristic of COVID-19: not only is the virus “airborne,” it’s pretty obnoxious about it. “Looking through the microscope, you can see them practically preening around the other microorganisms, like they’re movie stars,” said Thomas Fry, a…
CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — Wooooooweeee! The barracks is starting to look like that bitch Carole Baskin’s house. We got five live tigers up in this place, ya’all. And it’s awesome as hell. Holy shit, did those stimulus checks come at the right damn time. Did you know a tiger is only worth two stimulus checks?!…
General David H. Berger, Commandant of the Marine CorpsWe stands at an inflection point in history. We need innovative thinking to deter 21st Century threats, namely ChinaChina is embarking on a vast military modernization program, and could achieve military overmatch against the US in the Pacific by 2040. Your sergeant majorI’ve been hearing talk that…
THE PENTAGON – An unnamed Marine died yesterday after a prolonged battle with unchecked hair growth, Pentagon officials announced today. The deceased had also been identified as being positively infected with COVID-19, the hypervirulent pathogen responsible for over 136,000 deaths worldwide and a global economic meltdown. “We tell our Marines to have a fresh haircut…
DAVIDSONVILLE, Md. — To support his friend who is a nurse working during the COVID-19 pandemic, local veteran Drew McGann has been sending her care packages filled with chewing tobacco and pornography to keep her spirits up. “She’s out there working extra shifts and putting her health at risk to treat COVID patients. I know…
BEIJING – President Xi Jinping announced today that China is opening free web services to aid U.S. service members working at home due to novel Coronavirus restrictions. Xi said, “China offers these services in the spirit of military cooperation, in keeping with our long tradition of respecting international human suffering, and not in any way…
WASHINGTON — In an effort to protect service members from the COVID-19 pandemic, Pentagon officials have directed senior Army leaders to limit their sexual harassment of junior soldiers to texts and emails. “It’s just good common sense,” said Army spokesperson, Colonel Ricardo Suarez. “These are challenging times and leaders need to be as adaptive as…