Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — Sergeant Major of the Army Michael Weimer announced a new initiative this week called “I Hate Soldiers,” a service-wide effort focused on maximizing pointless training hours, micromanagement, and quiet resentment, sources confirmed today. “For the past couple years I’ve been dropping hints about my plans for the Army’s enlisted population, but the troopers […]
WASHINGTON — In an effort to cut costs and trim what he described as a bloated budget, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Doug Collins announced today that all VA benefits will be reduced to the issuance of a loaded 9mm pistol and a single bottle of bourbon. “If there’s one thing vets love, it’s getting plastered,” […]
In This Issue: Story Roundup: Comic Sans on official documents, Hegseth using a green screen to win wars, and a shocking whistleblower complaint alleges the DNI is actually Tulsi Gabbard. What We're Reading: A Guard rifle left in a Bourbon Street bathroom, two Navy ships discovering each other the hard way, a colonel trying to […]
WASHINGTON — In a bombshell leak that has shaken the U.S. national security community, a whistleblower complaint alleges that the Director of National Intelligence is Tulsi Gabbard. The possibility that the nation’s top intelligence post could be occupied by someone described as “dangerously unqualified and spiritually aligned with Moscow” has left intelligence officials exasperated and […]
THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has saved the United States several billion dollars by replacing actual military operations with movie sets, stock footage, and a green screen, sources confirmed today. “We’re already spending a lot of time and money conducting operations and then saying we accomplished our objectives even though we didn’t,” Hegseth […]
WASHINGTON — Following the U.S. State Department’s recent switch from Calibri to Times New Roman, the Pentagon announced it would also be updating its typography standards. The update was delivered via an official photo posted on X, showing Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth unveiling the new policy on Department of War letterhead. The letter read: […]
MANHATTAN, N.Y. — While recently drinking with a college friend who is now a private wealth manager, witnesses at a Financial District club say Marine Col. Josh Peterson made the night uncomfortable by repeatedly insisting he “would have totally gone private equity” but “would have punched a managing director in the face.” The serving infantry […]
WASHINGTON — Officials with Immigration and Customs Enforcement are warning of a looming recruiting crisis after discovering that not enough Americans are failing the ASVAB, sources confirmed today. “ICE desperately needs more recruits who cannot pass this very simple diagnostic test,” said Todd M. Lyons, the agency’s acting director, during a press conference at the […]
WASHINGTON — At a press conference today, Adm. Daryl Caudle, Chief of Naval Operations, revealed that the U.S. Navy’s enlisted ranks were, in fact, entirely made up. “Gotcha,” Caudle said. Flanked by grinning senior Navy leaders, Caudle explained that the service’s bewildering enlisted hierarchy — long a source of confusion for the other branches — […]
Editor’s note: This is an opinion piece by Bradley K. Morrow, a Marine Corps veteran whose interests include security theory, gym culture, online patriotism, and constitutional law. Since the shooting of Alex Pretti, I’ve been getting lots of questions about the “Come and Take Them” tattoo on my forearm, and I want to make something […]