Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon’s newest spokesman introduced himself today in an unorthodox manner — hanging upside down over the Department of Defense seal, wearing nothing but a crisply ironed American flag tie. Apey, a chimpanzee with what officials describe as “extensive public affairs experience,” has been hired to brief reporters and answer questions on behalf […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what many are calling an egregious display of disrespect and possibly treason, local resident Robert Hernandez reportedly forgot to thank a National Guardsman for his service during his arrest, sources confirmed today. Share “I feel awful, I am ashamed,” Hernandez confessed on a recorded jailhouse phone call. “This young man was […]
JOINT BASE ELMENDORF-RICHARDSON, ALASKA — CIA sources confirmed today that an asset in a “highly-placed role” with the U.S. government is meeting with his Russian handlers at a military base in Alaska. Share The sources noted that the asset — known in national security circles and Signal chats as ‘Agent Orange 4547’ — “inexplicably leveraged […]
CORONADO, Calif. — Retired Navy Adm. William McRaven, the former Navy SEAL who once told an entire generation to “make your bed” if they wanted to change the world, hasn’t tucked a corner or fluffed a pillow since 2014, sources confirmed after a classified intervention led by five of America’s most combat-hardened motivational operators. Share […]
CHICAGO — The WNBA has surged in popularity thanks to the star power of newcomers like Caitlin Clark and Angel Reese, but it’s also attracted fan-initiated disruptions to games in recent weeks. That was disturbingly clear at an August 9 matchup between the Golden State Valkyries and Chicago Sky when Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was […]
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has long coveted Greenland, and he finally secured it as the international territorial trade deadline approached. “It’s a beautiful country. Well, state. Now it’s our beautiful 51st state. Canada could have been that. I told the prime minister he was never going to get a better deal than 51. Now […]
FORT HOOD CAVAZOS HOOD, TX — After the U.S. Army officially renaming the infamous Fort Hood to Fort Cavazos and then back to Fort Hood in an effort to, quote, “move forward,” Army leaders are assuring the public that absolutely nothing else will change — including the post’s long-standing reputation for systemic dysfunction, unchecked violence, […]
ARLINGTON, Va — U.S. Marine Commandant Gen. Eric Smith has come to the horrifying realization that it’s just going to keep being like this for a few years, sources confirmed today. Share “I was checking if my phone was tapped when I realized this isn’t the growing pains of a new administration,” Smith said to […]
ANNAPOLIS, Md. — The U.S. Naval Academy’s prestigious summer seminar, once known for instilling leadership, discipline, and an inexplicable obsession with boats, has unveiled its latest addition to the curriculum: Personnel Optimization Strategy (POS), a program designed to help high school students “recognize prejudice by reenacting it in excruciating detail.” Share The course, launched in […]
WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense has changed the name of Fort Huachuca, Arizona, to Fort Hawk Tua, sources confirmed today. The change comes after what officials vaguely described as an extensive and highly classified review process. Share Anonymous sources from the Pentagon hinted at a combination of factors for the name change that included […]