Category: UNSATegorized

For d-bags that can’t get it right…

Saudi King marks 9/11 anniversary: ‘We lost many good pilots’


RIYADH — As in most countries around the world on September 11, a moment of silence was held in the Middle Eastern country of Saudi Arabia on Sunday. Theirs was 15 seconds long, one second for each Saudi national lost in the 9/11 terror attacks in 2001. “21 years ago, we lost a lot of […]

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AI will be smarter than humans in 10 years, smarter than Marines in 5: Study


(Photo By Marine Staff Sgt. Jacob Osborne) SANTA MONICA, Calif. — A new study from the Rand Corporation has predicted that artificial intelligence (AI) will become smarter than the average human in general measures of intelligence in as little as 10 years and smarter than the average United States Marine in 5. “Our findings indicate […]

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Army scientists develop app to help soldiers navigate DUIs


By Clay Beyersdorfer U.S. Army scientists have created a new smartphone app to help soldiers navigate their driving under the influence (DUI) charges. The “FirstStrike” app, not to be confused with the service’s well-known energy bars, was designed to help combat DUIs and those soldiers with substance abuse problems, “especially our junior enlisted,” Army spokesperson […]

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Biden considers forgiving troops’ unpaid Ford Raptor loans


By Slab Squatthrust WASHINGTON—President Joe Biden is considering forgiving troops unpaid Ford Raptor loans, according to people familiar with the matter, as he seeks to appeal to young military voters ahead of the November midterm elections. With the current situation on Ford Raptor loan payments skyrocketing to a cumulative $1.2 trillion and some interest rates […]

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On Labor Day, remember brave troops on working parties


Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash Labor Day is more than a day for cookouts and beers. Too often, Americans forget to honor the true meaning of the holiday. The truth is, Labor Day is a solemn reminder of all the troops who have spent their entire military careers on working parties. Since 1776, soldiers, […]

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Former Soviet leader dies from rare case of old age


MOSCOW—In a break from Russian tradition, Mikhail Gorbachev, the Soviet Premier whose policies helped hasten the end of the USSR, died earlier this week at the age of … 91 years old? HOLY SHIT. For decades since the passing of Josef Stalin, who died at 75 after suffering a stroke, the deaths of Soviet leaders […]

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West Point halts cross burnings indefinitely


By Task Force Football Bat WEST POINT, N.Y.—Amid sensational news that a plaque on campus includes a depiction of a hooded, armed member of the Ku Klux Klan, leadership at the U.S. States Military Academy has canceled all planned cross burnings “for the foreseeable future,” according to the institution’s public affairs officer. “We now realize […]

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FBI raids China for improperly-obtained classified documents


BEIJING—Weeks after the FBI removed 27 boxes of classified material from former President Donald Trump’s residence in Mar-a-Lago, Florida, the FBI has launched an even larger raid to remove some 895 million improperly-obtained classified documents from the People’s Republic of China. Several cruise ships full of FBI agents docked at Chinese ports this morning, and […]

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Russia taps Strategic Has-Been Reserve for war in Ukraine


UKRAINE—In another telling development that its invasion of Ukraine is not going well, Russia has recently started calling up forces from the Strategic Has-Been Reserve. Most notably, famous has-been Steven Seagal was deployed to occupied territory in an attempt to shore up the tenuous situation there. “It wasn’t a complete surprise,” said Lt. Gen Blake […]

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Army to stop using mold to construct barracks


WASHINGTON—The Army said Friday it would stop using black mold to construct barracks facilities for junior enlisted soldiers, sources confirmed today. In a sharp reversal of a 1970s-era Army program known as Project Black Lung, officials outlined a series of steps the service would take to build living facilities for the modern soldier without using […]

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