Category: UNSATegorized

For d-bags that can’t get it right…

Days stranded at airport still count as leave, CO says


Photo by Jim Vondruska/Getty Images) By Medal of Dishonor JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — Following a hectic two weeks of holiday travel, many U.S. military service members have felt the aftereffects of bad weather, canceled flights, and wasted precious days of leave. Airman 1st Class Evan Parker, for example, was informed by leadership that his […]

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Army unit tear-gases soldiers for de-morale event


Soldiers cry tears of joy after feeling the glory of Army tear gas raining down on them. FORT CARSON, Colo. — Some 8,000 soldiers with the 4th Infantry Division were purposely tear-gassed days after returning from holiday leave as part of a massive demoralizing event in which soldiers scaled obstacles, ran up hills, and counted […]

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CIA reveals Santa was killed in Cambodian airspace in 1971


Declassified footage of Col. Claus taking flak over the Cambodia-Vietnam border. (Wikimedia Commons) WASHINGTON — In news sure to shock millions this holiday season, recently declassified CIA documents have revealed that Santa Claus was shot down and killed in Cambodian airspace in 1971. The trove of over 700 pages documenting the top secret mission has […]

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Elves failing new Christmas Festive Test at alarming rates


Editor’s Note: Duffel Blog is taking a brief holiday publishing break from publishing new content, though we may share some archive posts over the next few days. We’ll be back to the norm on Jan. 4, 2023. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year! Thank you for your support in 2022! Santa waves to […]

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Army unit regrets combo Toys for Tots/ammunition amnesty box


By Cobra Commander FORT RILEY, Kansas — Post leadership has issued an emergency order to recall all Toys for Tots/Amnesty Boxes after a series of high-profile mix-ups. “Little Joey got three grenades from Santa this year,” said one concerned mother. “Don’t get me wrong, he did say it was the best Christmas ever, though I doubt our […]

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Space Force finally outgrows ‘terrible twos’


THE PENTAGON — After organizing the Space Force’s moon-themed 3rd birthday party, an exhausted and disheveled Air Force expressed optimism that the worst of Space Force’s behavior was now in the past. “I’ll admit, raising a new branch has been harder than expected,” said Air Force. “He’ll never eat the budget I give him, and […]

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Russian Army-Navy game ends in HIMARS strike


By Off The Beaten Path MOSCOW — The annual football game between Russia’s Army and Navy teams ended in the third quarter after a successful high mobility artillery rocket system (HIMARS) strike. The strategic attack occurred simultaneously with the firing of the white, red, and blue fireworks celebration after the Russian Army team scored with […]

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Marine Reserve celebrates 75 years of ‘Toys for Thots’


QUANTICO, Va. — Festive crowds gathered at Headquarters Marine Corps on Friday to celebrate 75 years of the service’s beloved Toys for Thots program, an annual event in which Marines gather toys for prostitutes, barracks rats, fuck bois, and TRICARE chasers to celebrate the holiday season. Duffel Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new […]

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Space Force-Coast Guard game draws little attention


COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Televised on a Tuesday afternoon between a darts championship and an infomercial for glasses that help you drive better at night, the annual football game between the Space Force and Coast Guard academies somewhat lacked the prestige of the recent Army-Navy game, but officials say it did manage to attract “three, or […]

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Winning Army touchdown downgraded to field goal after Brigade S-1 review


(Photo by Mark Goldman/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images) By Paul J. O’Leary PHILADELPHIA — Quinn Meretzki entered West Point history in the final seconds of the annual Army-Navy football game on Saturday evening. The United States Military Academy junior scored the winning touchdown to take the Army’s Black Knights football team to victory in the […]

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