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The new F-35Tay in combat over Syria. (Department of Defense photo) THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced today that from this point forward, all models of the F-35 Lightning II will be made entirely out of Taylor Swift concert tickets. “We demand the highest quality building materials for our aircraft, and there’s nothing […]
By Slab Squatthrust BILLERICA, Mass. — The small number of attendees who turned out for the funeral of a U.S. Army corporal who died last month during an undisclosed operation may have been special operations or just a really obnoxious dumbass that nobody liked, sources confirmed today. According to sources, Josh Lencz’s casket was transported […]
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has announced that troops’ identification tags will now include the wearer’s preferred pronouns, sources confirmed today. The added security measure will enhance the United States’ readiness posture and ability to colonize the Moon. “We have over 3,000 pronouns that service members can select while receiving their ID tags,” […]
THE WHITE HOUSE — President Joe Biden awarded the Caldecott Medal to Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps Troy E. Black in a ceremony held in the East Room on Tuesday before assembled military dignitaries, family members, and Mrs. Juanita Gonzales’s kindergarten class from Thomson Elementary School for his bestselling children’s book, Shut the Fuck […]
Getty Images By Bad Lawyer KYIV, Ukraine — Superstar Jennifer Lopez has been killed in Ukraine, again. Lopez is best known for her prestigious music and acting career and for dying during roughly 147 military deployments since Operation Desert Storm. News of Lopez’s demise quickly spread through the American Lance Corporal underground and was confirmed […]
By Clay Beyersdorfer SHILOH, Ill. — A local Applebee’s Neighborhood Bar & Grill waitress has been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after working a shift on Veterans Day, sources confirmed today. Paid Duffel Blog subscribers get more stories, comments, and full archive access (and are incredibly handsome and smart). To receive new posts and […]
There’s nothing more exciting than coming downstairs on Veterans Day morning to find out what presents The Veteran has brought you from faraway lands. But everyone knows if you want that gift you’ve been hoping for all year, you better leave out some tasty treats on Veterans Day Eve. The consequences of doing otherwise could […]
Elon Musk attends Heidi Klum’s 21st Annual Halloween Party presented by Now Screaming x Prime Video and Baileys Irish Cream Liqueur at Sake No Hana at Moxy Lower East Side on October 31, 2022 in New York City. (Photo by Noam Galai/Getty Images for Heidi Klum) By Carl SIMI VALLEY, California — SpaceX CEO and […]
By Off The Beaten Path FORT STEWART, Ga. — Army Emergency Relief (AER) has announced a pilot program allowing donations through OnlyFans, with Fort Stewart selected to serve as the test site due to its high deployment tempo and famously low morale, sources confirmed today. “I’m pretty sure we’re getting dangerously close to the definition […]
By Task Force Football Bat THE RAPIDLY MOVING RUSSIAN FRONT, UKRAINE — After snorting back his umpteenth shot of vodka, Russian Colonel General Sergei Surovkin said today marked “two whole weeks” of not being schwacked by plucky Ukrainian underdogs or some lurking inside attacker since assuming command of all Russian forces in Ukraine. Surovkin, whose […]