Trump offers Maduro pardon for three kilos of cocaine

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has offered to pardon Venezuelan strongman Nicolás Maduro in exchange for three kilos of cocaine, sources confirmed today.

“Look, just gimme the good stuff,” Trump was overheard pleading with the former dictator behind closed doors. “I can make all of this go away if you hand it over. You saw what I did for Hernández. Total walk. Beautiful outcome.”

The president was referring to former Honduran President Juan Orlando Hernández, who was imprisoned on cocaine trafficking charges and recently pardoned by Trump after what aides described as ‘a very persuasive vibes-based review of the case.’

“MADURO HAS A CHANCE TO BE A TOTAL G INSTEAD OF A LITTLE BITCH!” Trump posted on Truth Social earlier today. “HE’S GOT THE STUFF THAT BRINGS GIRLS WITH PERKY TITTIES. HAND OVER THE BAM-BAM AND YOU CAN BE MY BOY! I GOT THE GUY FROM KISS. LET’S PARTY. VANCE CAN’T COME, HE KILLS THE VIBE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! DJT.”

Sources close to the administration say Trump has ordered his schedule cleared from 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. nightly, asked whether the White House ballroom can hold “bitchin’ raves,” and requested that large, unmarked stacks of $100 bills be delivered to the residence.

Meanwhile, Secret Service agents have reportedly heard “Cat Scratch Fever” playing on loop inside the Oval Office, while DoorDash drivers say they’ve noticed a sharp and deeply unsettling decline in McDonald’s orders from the White House.

“Your facts are incorrect,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, responding to rumors that security made her wait in line at Mar-a-Lago while female Fox News hosts were waved inside. “There was some kind of mix-up. My name was on the list. No, I’m still—”

Sources say Maduro was initially prepared to accept the deal, but negotiations collapsed after Donald Trump Jr. informed his father of the current street value of three kilos of cocaine. Maduro reportedly countered with “a boatload” of cocaine, but the shipment was later declared missing somewhere in the Caribbean.

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