Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth this week affirmed his commitment to a diverse and inclusive military, telling reporters that he supports and appreciates the achievements of “colored troops and broads” throughout military history. “Doris Miller did some real badass stuff during Pearl Harbor — I saw the movie,” Hegseth said. “People say he’s […]
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth expressed disappointment that his recent sexual assault training focused on prevention rather than ‘practical application,’ sources confirmed today. “He came in all excited, saying ‘I’m gonna learn some new tricks,’” said Janice Wellborne, former Sexual Assault and Prevention Response (SAPR) Coordinator. “He got upset when I said ‘Hell yeah […]
THE PENTAGON— Navy Adm. Frank “Mitch” Bradley, head of U.S. Special Operations Command, is facing public scrutiny and possible criminal prosecution after accusations by Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth that the admiral followed a direct order to kill survivors of a drone strike that he himself definitely did not give. “Bradley?” Hegseth said, when asked […]
WASHINGTON — After doing away with many of the disastrous woke military policies of President “Sleepy” Joe Biden, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is bringing long-overdue accountability back to the Department of Defense. Case in point: Hegseth just fired the Inspector General who found he'd shared highly classified information in a Signal chat and put American […]
NORFOLK, Va. — A former third-class petty officer whose primary qualification was being aggressively unhelpful capped off a 31-year Navy career by somehow failing upward into the rank of captain in the supply corps. Universally described as a full-spectrum douche by everyone who served with him, Darrell Mathews consistently avoided accountability for infractions that would’ve […]
THE PENTAGON — Following newly established legal precedent, the Pentagon announced today it is recalling Secretary of Defense (and also War) Pete Hegseth to active duty to face charges of violating nearly the entire Uniform Code of Military Justice. “Secretary Hegseth has made accountability his watchword,” said General Counsel Earl Matthews. “And as he frequently […]
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense and also War Pete Hegseth released a memo urging female service members to assume every order from a male superior is "absolutely, unquestionably" lawful, sources confirmed today. The memo, titled "Trust, Obey, NDA" and addressed to all "deployment 8’s and above," clarified that female troops do not have a right […]
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has confirmed what many service members have long feared: “You and your entire generation” indeed missed out on the best time to have served in the military, according to a massive 50-year longitudinal study conducted by retired E-7s with clipboards. According to the study, which sampled thousands of veterans, respondents gave […]
WASHINGTON — In a stunning display of bureaucratic agility, the Department of Defense announced today that it would immediately begin recouping millions of dollars in pay and benefits from thousands of National Guard troops, following a federal court ruling that their month-long deployment to the nation’s capital was "unlawful." The ruling, handed down by U.S. […]
WASHINGTON — During a joint press conference where the United States and Saudi Arabia celebrated their shared values of exchanging obscene amounts of money, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman presented a dazzling golden bone saw to President Donald Trump. “This humble token of our friendship epitomizes what makes our relationship so special,” said bin Salman. “The […]