Hangin' on Posco Pier!
CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — In a groundbreaking yet predictable mishap that literally everyone saw coming, a Marine volunteer equipped with Elon Musk’s Neuralink has reportedly crashed Pornhub’s servers, causing an unprecedented digital blackout and a surge of confusion among users worldwide. Share Sgt. James Johnson, who volunteered for the Neuralink trial as part of a […]
THE PENTAGON — The U.S. Army announced today the long-awaited results of a years-long research study, and the findings are abundantly clear: Soldiers’ penises are, on average, about three inches larger than those of sailors in the U.S. Navy. The unusual study was commissioned by the Army Chief of Staff, in partnership with the Chief […]
NAPA VALLEY, Calif. — Citing unacceptable levels of the “forever chemical” PFAS in their bodies, California Governor Gavin Newsom formally amended the state’s environmental policy today to prohibit burials at Veterans Administration cemeteries throughout the state. Share “While the military will assuredly go on destroying the world in life, the Golden State will not allow them […]
FORT LIBERTY (OR WHATEVER THEY’RE CALLING IT NOW) — Chaos erupted at the Post Exchange this morning when the highly anticipated “Weekend Essentials” bundle — containing a can of Zyn nicotine pouches, a Monster energy drink, and a single condom — sold out within less than 10 minutes. Share According to eyewitness reports, a mob […]
ST. LOUIS — In an inspiring display of patriotic fervor, a local combat veteran has announced his eagerness to reenlist to fight in the War on Drugs, taking a firm stance not against, but in support of drug use. Jared Doherty, who served multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, now sees the battle for cannabis […]
WASHINGTON — The Atlantic editor-in-chief, Jeffrey Goldberg, has replied-all after he was mistakenly added to another Department of Defense Signal chat group that routinely leaks classified information, obscure memes, and, apparently, Russian intelligence collection opportunities. Share Sources confirmed that the chat, named “Joint Ops Bantz 🔥💥🚀 (NO FOREIGN),” was intended for a small group of […]
By Fat Ghengis EGLIN AFB, Fla. – President Trump’s executive order to roll back federal Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) initiatives has sent shockwaves through the ranks, leaving one Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD) officer scrambling to fuse together a bombproof curriculum. Share Lt. Cmdr. Jans Sven Swederssen swiftly complied with the commander-in-chief’s directive by systematically […]
THE PENTAGON — Budgetary offices across the service branches are scrambling after Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth released his long-awaited fiscal guidance, sources confirmed today. With uncertainty already high in the wake of surgical and well-implemented cutbacks executed by the Department of Government Efficiency, Pentagon fiscal planners genuinely looked forward to the new defense budget […]
WASHINGTON — Researchers at the Primate Language Institute were stunned this week when their latest subject, a 400-pound silverback gorilla named “Dookie,” not only mastered American Sign Language but immediately began informing everyone within range that he was a West Point graduate. “We expected simple phrases like ‘banana good’ or ‘Dookie love trainer,’” said Dr. […]
SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH CHINA SEA — China has issued a fiery protest after the U.S. Navy’s recently-minted USS William J. Clinton aircraft carrier penetrated waters claimed by Beijing. When questioned about the aircraft carrier’s exact location, however, Navy Capt. Larry “Blue Dress” Tripp insisted that he “did not have international relations with that country.” […]