Army Secretary decries ‘PowerPoint in parade form’ for Trump’s birthday
THE PENTAGON — After a lukewarm performance at President Donald Trump’s birthday parade, Army brass gathered in the E-Ring for an after-action review and ultimately concluded that the “parade could have been an email,” sources confirmed today.
“We’re catching heat for troops phoning it in,” said Army Secretary Daniel Driscoll, who anonymously leaked the meeting minutes. “But the parade fell victim to ‘mission creep.’ It was supposed to be a birthday tribute… then we added the Army’s 250th anniversary… then Coinbase, the UFC, and Scotts Miracle-Gro® signed on as sponsors.”
Sources noted that the Department of Veterans Affairs recently used Gmail to terminate 83,000 employees, signaling that digital correspondence has overtaken traditional pomp. “Maybe next time we just CC everyone and spare the public the TikTok drill teams,” muttered one senior defense official.
Driscoll continued, visibly agitated.
“Then someone invited Revolutionary War cosplayers. Another genius had drone operators carry their drones while making helicopter sounds with their mouths. What the hell are we doing?”
Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy A. George echoed the frustration: “We didn’t get the best for this TDY. Looked more like a TikTok audition than a formation. No offense to TikTok.”
“At least Old Guard and the Cav still march like they’ve got somewhere to be,” added Vice Chief of Staff Gen. James J. Mingus. “Also, why isn’t SecDef Hegseth here?” His question was immediately dismissed as irrelevant.
Acting Army Undersecretary David Fitzgerald speculated that the UFC energy drink may have contributed to the low energy output. “I know for a fact that shit will never replace Weimer’s coffee pot.”
Upon hearing his name, Sergeant Major of the Army Michael R. Weimer removed the Zyn pouches he was using as improvised earpro.
“Look, if Ivanka and Barron skipped daddy’s birthday on Father’s Day weekend, I’m not going to blame my soldiers for doing the same,” Weimer said. “They got a week off from the motor pool. That’s a win in my book.”
As the meeting wrapped, Driscoll muttered, “We are so screwed if the Marines get a 250th birthday parade. General Smith’s devil dogs have that ‘frfr swagger,’ as the young soldiers say.”
The official cause of the lackluster parade was ultimately logged as: “This parade could have been an email.” The motion carried unanimously. A final vote to conduct all future hotwashes via Signal chat was also approved.
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