After Israel attacks Iran, IndoPacom commander starts hiding missiles under bed
HONOLULU — The commander of U.S. Indo-Pacific Command has begun hiding AGM-114 Hellfire missiles, Mk84 Joint Direct Attack Munitions, 20 millimeter Vulcan rounds, HIMARS rockets, and other munitions under his bed in the wake of Israel’s attack on Iranian nuclear facilities, sources confirmed today.
“I’m not letting those goddamn CENTCOM punks steal from me again,” said Navy Adm. Samuel Paparo. “Not this time. Not ever.”
The admiral — who staff have begun referring to as “Sammy the Stockpiler” — reportedly began shifting weaponry from warehouses of Pacific Air Forces into his on-base quarters late Sunday night, using a borrowed Air Force forklift and a firm personal conviction that “possession is nine-tenths of the National Defense Strategy.”
“You think I’m gonna sit here and watch Tampa empty out my magazines like it’s a Black Friday sale again? No thanks,” Paparo said while holding a Naval Strike Missile like a toddler clutching a teddy bear.
This isn’t the first time scarce resources have led to conflict among combatant commands. In 2022, Southern Command stockpiled diesel generators and hot chow during hurricane season just to “flex on NORTHCOM,” which had dared request a case of MREs and a single working port-a-shitter.
Paparo’s new doctrine of “contain, conceal, and cuddle” has reportedly alarmed base housing officials, who say the admiral’s quarters now violate no fewer than four fire codes and two arms control agreements.
“Frankly, we’re not sure where his actual bed is anymore,” said one senior defense official. “He might be sleeping on a Patriot launcher.”
At press time, officials at U.S. Central Command were closely monitoring developments in the Middle East and reviewing lists of weaponry for a potential contingency in the event of a conflict in the Taiwan Strait.
“We’re not stealing. We’re reallocating,” said one officer. “And also stealing.”
