Zyn-Monster-condom pack sells out in minutes at PX
FORT LIBERTY (OR WHATEVER THEY’RE CALLING IT NOW) — Chaos erupted at the Post Exchange this morning when the highly anticipated “Weekend Essentials” bundle — containing a can of Zyn nicotine pouches, a Monster energy drink, and a single condom — sold out within less than 10 minutes.
According to eyewitness reports, a mob of junior-enlisted personnel, mostly specialists, formed outside the PX an hour before opening, eagerly awaiting their chance to secure the holy trinity of poor decision-making.
“I was first in line,” said Pfc. Travis Thompson, who camped overnight for the release. “I knew this was going to be big. You don’t just stumble across a deployment loadout like this every day.”
The bundle, dubbed the “Mafia Care Package,” was initially a joke suggestion from a Class Six clerk who noticed that these three items were purchased together more often than bottom-shelf military special liquor.
“We just wanted to save time,” said Darnell Rogers, the mastermind behind the bundle. “Why make these guys swipe their CAC three times when we all know what they’re here for?”
The manager of the PX, still visibly shaken from the ordeal, recounted the moment the doors opened.
“It was like a Black Friday riot but fueled by nicotine withdrawal and energy drink jitters. I saw a corporal use a knee strike straight out of Combatives Level One to secure the last pack. It was horrifying.”
Reports from the barracks indicate that several soldiers who missed out on the bundle were later seen attempting shady back-alley trades, offering everything from extra meal swipes to illicitly obtained government property.
“I got half a can of Zyn if you got the Monster,” whispered one unidentified E-3 behind the motor pool.
When asked about the condom included in the bundle, most service members admitted they had no real intention of using it.
“It’s more of a good luck charm,” said Sgt. Jason Michaels. “Like carrying an extra rifle mag, just in case.”
Leadership has already taken notice of the craze, with some units implementing emergency safety briefs.
“We understand that morale is important,” said Command Sgt. Maj. Robert Steele, rubbing his temples. “But if I catch one more soldier vibrating from a nicotine-Monster overdose while pretending to read the ‘recommended usage’ label on a condom, I swear to God, we’re bringing back mandatory moto runs.”
Meanwhile, rumors are swirling that the PX is considering launching an “NCO Edition” of the bundle, swapping out the condom for ibuprofen and adding an extra can of Monster for those late-night PowerPoint marathons. “The officer edition would include a copy of The Economist, Motrin, and an IPA,” Rogers said.
At press time, the next shipment of “Weekend Essentials” was already en route, with a fresh supply set to arrive just in time for Friday’s barracks debauchery.
