Combat vet joins War on Drugs
ST. LOUIS — In an inspiring display of patriotic fervor, a local combat veteran has announced his eagerness to reenlist to fight in the War on Drugs, taking a firm stance not against, but in support of drug use.
Jared Doherty, who served multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, now sees the battle for cannabis legalization as his new front line.
“After years of dodging IEDs, navigating the bureaucratic minefield of the VA for pain management feels like child’s play,” Doherty quipped while rolling a joint. “I’m just shifting from combat boots to Crocs, man.”
Armed with an arsenal of peer-reviewed studies and a stack of rolling papers taller than your average VA claim, he’s become a one-man army advocating for policy change.
“My battle buddies and I used to joke about needing a smoke to get through the day,” he said before blowing a huge cloud. “Little did I know, I’d still be fighting for that here back home.”
Despite the federal government’s staunch position on marijuana as a Schedule I narcotic, the veteran remains undeterred.
“I’ve faced tougher enemies than a bunch of suits in Congress. At least ISIS doesn’t hide behind filibusters and Twitter accounts.”
The campaign has not gone unnoticed, with a growing contingent of veterans rallying behind him to form an unlikely coalition of activists equipped with nothing but sheer willpower, a compelling cause, and a ton of snacks.
“Bro, have you had those new Nerd clusters?” he added. “They’ll blow your fucking mind. Try one.”
The VA, meanwhile, has issued a standard response, affirming its commitment to “adhering to federal guidelines,” while subtly hinting at a desire to stay as far away from the controversy as humanly possible.
“We support our veterans in their paths to wellness,” a VA spokesperson’s voicemail stated. “Please hold for a brief survey after the call to let us know how we’re doing today.”
As the combat veteran marches on in his quest, he does so with a cheeky defiance and a Hawaiian Kush cloud of controversy trailing behind him.
“They say the pen is mightier than the sword. Turns out, a well-rolled joint isn’t too far behind either,” he mused.
In the ever-turbulent War on Drugs, a veteran has chosen his side, fighting not with weapons, but with words, wit, and a whole lot of weed.
Duffel Blog will have more on this story as soon as we finish rolling this joint.
