Navy to outfit subs with torpedo bats
WASHINGTON — In a packed press conference at Nationals Park, Rear Adm. Bobby “Base Hit” Schmidt, Chief of Naval Research, outlined a Navy initiative to replace the service’s aging torpedoes with revolutionary torpedo bats, sources confirmed today.
“We’re getting back to basics,” said Schmidt. “No guidance systems, no explosive payloads—just a 34-inch, 32-ounce piece of American maple hurtling through international waters with big league dreams.”
Though rumors of the change provoked widespread outrage among military advocates, assembled baseball reporters were generally nonplused as Schmidt pressed ahead.
“What better way to outsmart our tech-obsessed adversaries than by harnessing the awesome power of the natural world? These torpedo bats are stealthy, buoyant, and hand-crafted from 100% made-in-the-USA hardwood, not that limp Canadian bullshit.”
Schmidt is no stranger to the Washington spotlight, having unsuccessfully represented himself in court following his January 6, 2021, arrest for dropping an upper-decker in Nancy Pelosi’s toilet. Pardoned, commissioned, and promoted by executive order, the former petty officer third class beamed as he praised the project.
“We’re replacing a legacy technology with the latest in modern research and development, and we’re saving taxpayers money? What?” asked Schmidt rhetorically, as if surprised. “It’s a grand slam!”
With the Navy’s R&D division whittled down by DOGE to a single GS-6 named Gary, analysts’ expectations for the division’s ability to narrow the naval gap with China were already low.
“What we need is a comprehensive shipbuilding strategy, not a goddamn equipment swap with the Savannah Bananas,” said Capt. Samwell Snook, naval warfare instructor at the National War College. “It’s the arms race no one talks about, and we’re losing. Meanwhile, China can pivot a couple of sweatshops from iPhones to aircraft carriers in the time it takes us to argue about what color camo works in water.”
The unmodified bats, which retail for around $200, are to be purchased through an expedited no-bid contract with Louisville Slugger at a per-unit cost of $14,500. Schmidt proudly noted it will be among the least costly weapons systems ever designed, an “absolute steal” compared to the Navy’s current torpedoes, which can cost more than $4 million apiece.
Reached for comment at a Miller Lite concession stand, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was highly supportive.
“I gotta tell you, Gary really knocked it out of the park. We’re looking at a budget savings of hundreds of millions. That’s money we need for the seawall around Haiti, or that robotic dog with the flamethrower mouth.”
According to a leaked draft of the 2026 National Defense Strategy, the seawall project now ranks as the Pentagon’s third-highest priority, just behind “cyber” and “The Mexicans.”
But when a beat reporter for the visiting Milwaukee Brewers asked how the torpedo bats would be retrofitted to fit in a torpedo tube, Gary grew combative. “Look, if they’re good enough for the Yankees, they’re good enough for our sailors, okay?”
Notably, Yankees slugger Aaron Judge was skeptical they would be good enough for our sailors.
“I guess I don’t really understand the military application,” he said. “Our current stockpile of Mark 48 Mod 7s is highly effective against a variety of hardened naval targets. And besides,” added the slugger, currently on pace for 139 home runs, “the torpedo bats don’t even work.”
Bernard Buttersquash is worried that he never declared his AAFES pogs as income.
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