Citing DEI, Pentagon ends special treatment of black mold in barracks
WASHINGTON — In an effort to root out and eliminate Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) efforts, the Department of Defense announced that it would no longer treat black mold found in military facilities, sources confirmed today.
“Mold shouldn’t get treated any differently just because it’s black,” Secretary of Defense Pete “29 and counting” Hegseth said in a recent press conference. “Mold should be treated by its merits.”
Black mold, known by its government name stachybotrys chartarum, is a type of fungus that produces black or dark green spores. Weak humans exposed to black mold might cough a little or get teary-eyed, indicating they might not be tough enough for the future fight. An army-wide inspection found black mold in 2,000 barracks, which Hegseth cited as “a feat of tenacity, strength, and persistence that mold can only find through the power of God.”
Black mold is now able to serve openly in the barracks with no special treatment and will be judged fairly against other barracks residents.
“First, the dorm got renamed to get rid of woke,” Airman 1st Class Braydon Ross, a nuclear munitions handling specialist, said between bronchial spasms. “Now the mold can reach its full potential in the Nathan Bedford Forrest Dormitory instead of the Tuskegee Airmen dormitory.”
Not everyone is happy with the announcement, however. @BattlePuffin49, an X user who is a well-known commentator on liberal causes, complained, “Black mold’s strength IS its diversity. For decades, black mold has taken over barracks and buildings. That means other mold doesn’t have opportunities. STOP MOLD GATEKEEPING.”
Defense officials say ending black mold treatment will save the DoD at least $127 million annually, paying for two new lethality-based TeslaSpaceX Patriot Space Missile Batteries. Continued exposure to black mold is expected to increase spending at the Department of Veterans Affairs by $1.8 billion a year, but that’s “not our problem,” Hegseth said.
“Black mold. White mold.” Hegseth continued after taking a deep sniff of a Sharpie in his pocket. “We need to be talking readiness mold. Lethality mold.”
“China isn’t worried about black mold,” he concluded.
At press time, a VA spokesman said the agency would no longer treat color-based diseases under the DEI policy. “We’re coming for you next, Agent Orange.”
Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd
