The Trump Administration also accidentally texted us its war plans
The world found out shortly before 2 p.m. Eastern time on March 15th that the United States was bombing Houthi targets across Yemen.
We, however, knew two hours before the first bombs exploded that the attack might be coming, and also what the National Security Council was going to have for dinner. We knew this because Pete Hegseth, the Secretary of Defense, had texted us the war plan at 11:44 a.m. The plan included precise information about weapons packages, targets, timing, and a bunch of messages about how Europe is just the worst.
This is going to require some explaining.
A few nights ago, as we were finishing off some reheated Hot Pockets and Googling whether we could count a new Xbox as a business expense, the phone buzzed with a connection request on Signal from a user identified as Michael Waltz — the same name as that of the somehow still current U.S. National Security Advisor.
We figured Waltz might be looking to connect so he could compliment us on our publication’s outstanding work in the journalistic field, but a moment later, we received an invite to a group chat.
That’s not unusual — our reporters are on a few group chats. One is between us and a disgruntled Pentagon contractor who only sends pictures of his cat next to various pieces of classified hardware. But this one was…different.
The group was titled “Houthi PC small group,” and participants included Waltz, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, Vice President J.D. Vance, editor-in-chief of The Atlantic Jeffrey Goldberg, and someone named “Cinnamon from inaug afterparty.” Our first thought was that we had accidentally wandered into a fantasy football chat for dudes who purge generals. But then they started talking about Yemen.
Specifically, about bombing Yemen.
We sat there, phone in one hand, delicious microwaved dinner in the other, and beer hat on head, watching real-time war planning—or strike planning, if you’re into precision wordplay as a defense for your errors, because apparently, the real scandal isn’t texting classified intel to a journalist, it’s the journalist calling it the wrong thing.
At one point, Hegseth texted, “We hit the airfield first, then show a split-screen of Zelenskyy looking confused. The bosses will love that.”
To which Vance replied, “Yes. Also, remember to seed the narrative that he canceled Thanksgiving or something. And is there any way we can make the Pope look bad here?”
Moments later, the chat took a hard turn into a 10-minute roast of Europe. I believe it started when someone asked, “Have they even paid us back for D-Day yet?” and soon launched a spiraling thread of memes.
Somewhere in between the strategic objectives and the meme drops, a heated argument broke out over dinner. Apparently, it was Vance’s turn to pick it up.
“I got it last time,” he insisted.
“You Venmo’d $11 for three people,” Waltz shot back. “That doesn’t count.”
Then, in an exchange that felt like a Pentagon-themed episode of Real Housewives, Waltz fired off: “Just shut up and pay for the shawarma, you fucking POG*
Yes. He said that. But then it got even more awkward. Hegseth replied with a ‘fire’ emoji, followed by an ‘ambulance’ emoji, implying that Vance had been ‘burned.’
“You shut up too, you tab-less bitch,” Waltz responded immediately to Hegseth, adding that “this is my super secure lethal strike text chat. I created it.”
Things went quiet for a while before things got very awkward, in the form of texts with what was obviously information that should be treated as secret and discussed only in a secure environment.
As the messages kept pouring in — actual coordinates, launch times, one ominous phrase that just said “OPERATION GET SOME” — we wondered why we were here. Was Duffel Blog being punked? Was this some chat for neocon LARPers?
Then the bombs fell. On the exact targets they had mentioned.
So no, this wasn’t a game. It was just the highest-level government officials using a publicly available communications app like a frat group chat, except instead of planning parties, they were planning war, or strikes–whatever you want to call it.
Eventually, we chimed in.
“Hey guys, I think you added the wrong guy.”
Waltz replied with a GIF of Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicking the word “Accountability.” Hegseth informed us that our entire staff is a “bunch of beta cuck soyboyz.”
At that point, we were removed from the chat. But at least the rest of our Hot Pockets were excellent.
Editor’s Note: At press time, the Trump administration released a statement clarifying that “Houthi PC small group” was not an official DoD planning group, but rather “an edgy veteran-themed policy incubator and lifestyle brand.”
