Hegseth says he meant to send dick pic, not war plans
By Fat Ghengis
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth clarified this week with reporters that the recent leak of classified information to a journalist was actually supposed to have been a close-up photograph of his genitals.
The classified war plans shared with The Atlantic’s Jeffrey Goldberg, which included details about upcoming military activities against Houthi rebels in Yemen, were shared in an unclassified chat with a file named “warpig.pdf.”
Defense officials explained that WarPIG, an acronym for “War plans, I guess,” shares identical nomenclature with Hegseth’s penis, a photo of which was later distributed as the coincidentally named “warpig.png.”
“I think when you consider that neither of these things has any intention of ever pulling out, on top of having identical names, that this is just a very human mistake that could happen to anyone who also shares a frivolous disregard for operational security,” Hegseth said in his own defense.
“It reminds me of this one time when I was in this chick’s OODA Loop and accidentally gave her Plan Bravo instead of Plan B the next morning,” he added.
Protected sources in the offending Signal chat could not divulge much information about War Pig, but stated that the wide-angle aperture used by the Secretary of Defense artfully exaggerated the apparent size of what all agreed to be an otherwise unremarkable penis. Screenshots of the chat history published in The Atlantic also revealed the naming convention for Hegseth’s testicles: Drudge Jedd and Rupert Murdoch’s Ball Pit.
“I’d just like to go on the record and state that this isn’t the type of transparency the American people are asking of their government,” Goldberg said.
War Pig could not be reached for comment, though sources say there’s a dickhead with close affiliation who’d be more than happy to speak with members of the press.
Fat Ghengis says to stay OPSEC aware and send n00dz, not OPLANS.
