Lieutenant won’t shut the fuck up about IPAs
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Members of Bravo Company have officially filed a complaint against 2nd Lt. Tyler Gear, citing his inability to hold a single conversation without mentioning his deep, borderline spiritual connection to IPAs, sources confirmed today.
“He won’t stop,” said Sgt. Jake Mendoza, rolling his eyes. “We’ll be in the motor pool, just trying to get the damn LMTVs operational, and out of nowhere, he’ll be like, ‘Have you ever had a double dry-hopped hazy IPA?’ Bro. It’s 0925. Read the motorpool.”
Gear, a recent West Point graduate and self-proclaimed “hop enthusiast,” allegedly discovered craft beer during his one-month leave between graduation and Basic Officer Leader Course. He has since dedicated both his life and personality to explaining, in excruciating detail, how ‘real beer’ is unfiltered and best enjoyed from a tulip glass while discussing the finer points of vinyl record collecting.
“Look, I get it, sir. You spent one weekend in Asheville before the hurricane and now think you’re a beer connoisseur,” said Spc. Brandon Carter, who once made the mistake of mentioning he drank Miller Light. “He looked at me like I kicked his dog and said, ‘That’s basically water.’ I just want to drink in peace, man.”
Multiple sources confirm that the lieutenant’s obsession has reached dangerous levels, with some soldiers reporting that he once refused a free beer at a unit barbecue because ‘it lacked complexity’ and tried convincing the company commander to approve a Mandatory Fun trip to a brewery that “just opened up downtown and has a killer saison.”
“I swear to God if he tries to tell me what the fuck ‘mouthfeel’ is one more time,” Staff Sgt. Dave Rollins said. “I’m putting in for SFAB just to escape the conversation.”
Despite the backlash, Gear remains undeterred.
When reached for comment, he was overheard telling a private that “IPAs are an acquired taste, but once you get past the bitterness, you really start to appreciate the floral and citrus notes” before the private pretended to get a phone call and sprinted out of the room.
At press time, Gear was seen bringing a six-pack of some microbrew no one had ever heard of to a mandatory hail and farewell, unaware that everyone planned to leave immediately after formation.
As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.
