Pentagon offers Black recruits exciting opportunities as cooks, truck drivers
THE PENTAGON — Following guidance from the President and Secretary of Defense on rolling back the clock to simpler times, a spokesperson for the Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense for Personnel has announced a new recruiting strategy targeting prospective Black recruits.
“All the DEI nonsense muddied the waters of where Black merit traditionally lies in the military, and as President Trump and Secretary Hegseth have made clear, those days are over,” said Army Maj. Braxton Bedford Benning. “So we want to invite young Black Americans to consider serving their country as their forebears did back when warfighters were warfighters, in noble roles like cooks and truck drivers.”
Benning noted that the Pentagon saw immediate results when it soft-launched the new strategy in a few key locations to gauge its effects.
“The first thing you have to do in building a culture of meritocracy is articulate what skills have merit, and we don’t want Black kids worrying their heads over really hard stuff like science and engineering that other kids might want to do,” said Benning. “So to make it clear to Black recruits that that’s not where we need them, we pulled out of the Black Engineer of the Year Awards and went to an NRA convention instead.”
”Second, Secretary Hegseth said this is all about warfighters, so we’re not going to waste time or resources celebrating POG non-warfighters just because of some immutable characteristic,” continued Benning. “And that’s why we yanked support for the Frederick Douglass parade. Abolition, suffrage, recruiting freedmen for the Civil War, blah blah blah—but nowhere in Douglass’ three autobiographies about slavery did he ever talk about doing five sets of 47 push-ups. We know Black recruits want warfighting exemplars they can look up to, and Freddy just doesn’t cut it.”
The new recruiting strategy will focus on the many areas where, historically, Black Americans performed honorable military service.
“They have a long history of outstanding work in military kitchens, as drivers and stewards and ammunition carriers, even in the complex and intellectually taxing job of stretcher bearer,” Benning said. “They could even serve as classy janitors or disbursing clerks with dignity. They go higher than that — like, say, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff — and it just gets confusing for everybody, because if history has taught us anything, it’s that a job held by a Black man can be done better by a retired white dude.”
Should this program prove successful in showing Black recruits their proper place in military service, Benning stated that a follow-on program would be introduced to target female prospects.
“As with Black enlistees, we’re no longer going to be pressuring female recruits with difficult expectations such as commanding destroyers, Fleets, or the entire Department of the Navy. Once DOGE fires all our civilian employees, there will be plenty of secretarial jobs open for the taking — lots of simple filing and sorting, and after all, who doesn’t love the feeling of a warm piece of paper coming out of the photocopier?”
“And the luckiest of the lucky might just get a shot at fielding the next generation of recruits entirely through the tireless efforts of Elon Musk.”
Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.
