Hegseth orders military to paint ‘Z’ on all vehicles
THE PENTAGON — National Guard infantry officer and cable news talk show contributor-turned-Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has ordered the military to paint a white letter ‘Z’ on all tanks, tracks, trucks, “and anything else that is lethal,” sources confirmed today.
The mandated vehicle markings mimic those used by invading Russian forces in Ukraine to distinguish themselves from “freedom-hating and war-mongering Ukrainians,” according to Hegseth.
“The ‘Z’ is in no way affiliated with our Russian overlor–I mean allie–I mean best frien–THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RUSSIA, OKAY?” emphasized Hegseth as he pounded and savored the rich taste of a glass of water.
“What it has everything to do with,” continued Hegseth as he mopped sweat from his brow with an American flag pocket square, “is lethality and shooting values.”
“I think a line of ‘z-z-z’ reminds us of sleeping, which is the opposite of being woke,” he added before concluding, “Burn!” and giving himself a high-five.
National security officials across the administration voiced support for the move, bristling at any notion that U.S. policy is suddenly playing into the hands of a horrific, blood-soaked dictator for no apparent reason.
“You’re whining about ‘Z’s’ on tanks like my ex-girlfriend,” said National Security Advisor and war crime pardon cheerleader Mike Waltz.
“So Russia like took some land that was ethnically Russian a few years ago — get over it for fuck’s sake,” the key influencer in America’s defense and foreign policy added.
President Trump voiced support as well, commenting that he would “also like to see our men–and women, and women, okay, yes–our great people in uniform wearing those cool blue-and-white striped shirts–they look very good and Vladimir — poor Vladimir, you know, the man — he’s very popular, you know, the most popular ever, some say, but maybe not more popular than me, we’ll see, the deep woke media led by Nancy Schumer has just really put this man through the wringer, and he told me, you know what he told me, this man, he’s such a good man, he said he’ll send me some of these beautiful shirts for our warriors. All I have to do is stop making him mad, that’s it. It’s a great deal — the best, really — for the American people, for Republican states, at least, but we’ll bring along people from the woke deep states too. It’s for their own good.”
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