Mike Flynn appointed Special Envoy to the region between Putin’s ass cheeks
WASHINGTON — The White House has appointed retired Army Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn as a Special Envoy to the region between Vladimir Putin’s ass cheeks, which the administration recognizes as the most critical and sensitive area for negotiations to end the Ukraine war.
“We will not follow the old ‘woke’ diplomacy method of involving Ukraine and Europe in negotiations about their own peace and security,” said National Security Council spokesman John Edholm, explaining the necessity of the special envoy. “We’re sending a special envoy with a crack team of alpha males to directly engage on what’s known as Putin’s ‘Rump Region.’”
Senior defense officials say Flynn is an accomplished expert on the region. A former National Security Advisor fired in 2017 over Russian entanglements, Flynn also enjoyed a lucrative relationship with Russia’s RT news network and a turn on Putin’s arm at a glitzy political dinner.
“I understand how Putin’s plans for Russian greatness are reasonable, certainly tough sometimes, but always fun dessert conversation,” Flynn said.
Meanwhile, Vice President J.D. Vance and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth have already made considerable progress with the region at recent European conferences, where they alienated allies and signaled a willingness to concede to Russian demands while disguising it under a veneer of seemingly tough security talk. “They really opened up the region for me to get in and maneuver around,” Flynn said, “so I’ll send them a chef’s kiss.”
Despite what some called “stumbles” at the conferences, Hegseth intends to continue to play a role in Rump Region negotiations.
“It’s confusing to liberals that my Warrior Ethos allows me to agree with Putin and abandon Ukraine,” he said, “but true fighters appreciate that I’m really building an exclusive alpha male-only club with a treehouse fort where no wimpy-ass Europeans or girls are allowed. Unless they’re hot.”
Longtime Russia expert Edward Snowden is confident that the approach and appointment will achieve mutual U.S.-Russia objectives.
“I think this administration, Russia, and I all want the same things,” he said. “Peace, stability, and the freedom to ignore any international law, treaty, or commitments to world order.”
Snowden added: “And if any of this makes a path for me out of this very spacious and generously provided Moscow apartment, I’m all for it.”
Asked about any plans to include Ukraine in the peace discussions, Flynn said, “We’ll bring them in when the president is ready to make a real estate deal. He knows some of their shoreline is a great opportunity for a Black Sea Riviera and a wonderful place for Palestinians to live. Or work. Whatever.”
Flynn welcomes the help of Secretary of State Rubio, who was preparing to meet with Russian representatives in Saudi Arabia for a Ukraine peace deal.
“Putin’s ass cheek region is tight, but it can’t get too much attention, he said.
Bull Winkle is also an amateur phrenologist and available to make any peace conference super fun.
