DOGE says ‘22 a day’ isn’t nearly enough
WASHINGTON — The newly commissioned Department of Government Efficiency has announced plans to triple veteran suicide rates in an effort officials say will cut government spending and reduce the federal deficit. DOGE, the brainchild of Elon Musk and President Donald Trump, released a list of proposals to reduce government waste, which includes eliminating VA disability payments by eliminating veterans.
“Look, 22 a day just isn’t going to cut it,” said Musk when asked how cutting benefits for veterans would measurably reduce the federal deficit. “We need double, even triple those numbers to tackle even two minutes on the federal deficit clock. And I think we can achieve these numbers quickly through hard work.”
Musk outlined the details for increasing veteran suicides, such as reducing access to VA healthcare by pushing mental health providers to quit, pulling back disability payments many veterans survive on by downgrading disability ratings, and increasing veteran access to firearms.
While the amount the government could save by increasing veteran suicide was minimal, Musk explained that it could have more significant economic ripples, especially if those impacted veterans were also collecting Social Security.
“President Trump asked me to target wasteful spending, and what is more wasteful than keeping guys who served their country but are too old to be gainfully employed alive and on the dole?” mused Musk. “If they really wanted to continue to serve their country, they’d find the closest overpass and jump.”
DOGE also announced plans to reroute calls to the Veteran’s Suicide Hotline to a call center in China. Call center workers will then upsell callers on Make America Great Again satin coffin liners and Lee Greenwood-themed headstones.
White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller championed the plan, calling it the “out of the box problem solving the Trump administration promised.”
“No, I mean, we really did promise this. Didn’t anyone bother to read Project 2025?” asked Miller when veteran’s rights groups expressed concerns. “These are actually rookie numbers, during the height of the Stalin administration, troops were killing themselves by the thousands. God willing, we will get there, too.”
Meanwhile, the Washington Post editorial board immediately expressed support for the plan though they were quick to point out that they “had the idea first.”
President Trump showed support for the plan by giving Elon Musk unfettered access to the U.S. Treasury and all VA medical records after signing an executive order that simply said, “Go nuts.”
