Trump nominates Giant Floating Pile of Trash to lead Coast Guard
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has nominated the Giant Floating Pile of Trash to serve as the next commandant of the U.S. Coast Guard, the White House announced Tuesday. If confirmed, the Giant Floating Pile of Trash would be the first floating pile of garbage ever to lead a branch of the U.S. military.
“Giant Floating Pile of Trash’s nomination will inspire generations of trash to strive to serve at the highest level in the Armed Forces,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), chair of the Senate Commerce Committee.
Due to the Giant Floating Pile of Trash’s unique experience in the maritime environment, the Senate Commerce Committee approved the nomination, saying that it could not imagine a more qualified and appropriate entity to lead the men and women of the Coast Guard.
“@POTUS has finally nominated an outstanding leader for @USCG,” Senate Commerce Committee Republicans said on X. “This is a worthy nomination to tackle the border crisis, search and rescue missions, and the pending environmental issues in our nation’s waters.”
Upon confirmation, Giant Floating Pile of Trash will replace relieved commandant Adm. Linda Fagan, who was fired by President Trump. Notably, the administration had to clarify that the president did not, in fact, nominate Puerto Rico to be the next Commandant.
“Giant Floating Pile of Trash is an exceptional and competent nominee, possessing a keen sense of compassion, strategic sensibility, and the well-honed ability to float from one place to another while destroying all living things in its path,” said Adm. Kevin Lunday, the acting commandant. “These competencies make it fit to serve with distinction as our Service’s 28th Commandant.”
Giant Floating Pile of Trash, which has drifted on all oceans, is currently underway in the Gulf of America on patrol for more rubbish to absorb. It was last seen slightly on fire, smelling of rotting whale carcasses and smoldering plastic bottles.
When asked for comment, Giant Floating Pile of Trash said, “I…am ….(gurgle)…honored. Feed…me….(blurp)….life……”
