North Korean soldier given sharpie for first time draws penis
NEW PYONGYANG, UKRAINE — In a surprising turn of events, a North Korean soldier’s first experience with a Sharpie has led to an unexpected existential and simultaneously predictable outcome. Upon being handed the magic marker, Private Kim Lee Park immediately drew a highly detailed and impressively veiny penis.
“I was so proud of him,” said Comrade Ivanov, Kim’s direct superior and the man who initiated the Sharpie hand-off. “So many veins. And when I say veins, I’m not talking two or three. This penis had at least fifteen veins. Like, if God had a penis, it would have looked like Park’s penis. The drawing. Park’s drawing. Not Park’s actual penis. I haven’t seen his penis. He has too much pubic hair.”
Private Kim’s artistic revelation has sparked a wave of new conscripts flocking to join the North Korean People’s Army. Sources reveal that news of such modern luxuries as porta-johns, Copenhagen, and access to porn has finally reached the Hermit Kingdom, causing a conscription surge not seen since the promise of one square meal a day.
“Our recruiting offices are overflowing,” stated Maj. Lee Kim Park. “We’ve had to start turning people away. Who knew that Sharpies and other… amenities would be so persuasive?”
The North Korean military, traditionally seen as strict and regimented, has reportedly embraced this new wave of enthusiasm, albeit with a cautious eye. Operational psychologists have noted the morale boost among the troops who are allowed to draw veiny penises, although some older experts fear such forms of expression could lead to free will and an overload of ennui.
Kim Jong-un himself is rumored to be considering the wide-scale distribution of Sharpies as part of the nation’s new motivational tools, alongside increased rations of wood chips, bark, and rats. However, the leader remains skeptical about the lasting impact of such frivolous Western distractions.
For now, the artistically-inclined Private Park has been reassigned to the newly formed “Creative Morale Division,” where he spends his days illustrating motivational posters of penises and decorating the insides of porta-johns with his signature veiny masterpieces.
When asked if he was going to stick to just penises or maybe branch out to other art like fruit or the female form, Park replied, “What’s a vulva?”
As the North Korean military adapts to these changes, the conscription offices continue to buzz with new recruits eager to taste the tantalizing trifecta of art, tobacco, and quiet self-reflection inside smelly plastic shitter — proof that sometimes, the most minor things can have the biggest impact.
