‘I’m not a perfect person’ says Hegseth, who is not even a sort of ok person
WASHINGTON — Pete Hegseth began his confirmation hearing this week for Defense Secretary with effusive support from Senators Markwayne “Fists of Fury” Mullin and Tommy “Don’t forget he coached Auburn” as well as heated questions from Senators Tammy Duckworth, Tim “Not Walz” Kaine. Yet Hegseth handled the questioning ably by asserting that he was “not a perfect person” despite not even being a somewhat decent person, sources confirmed today.
When questioned by Sen. Kaine concerning extramarital affairs, for instance, Hegseth jumped to defend himself against an accusation of sexual assault that Kaine had not yet mentioned, which is totally normal behavior that an innocent person would definitely do. Hegseth, a possible rapist and definite philanderer, explained that he was not a perfect person (again) but was redeemed through God. Sources close to the former Fox News host say he often practices Godly acts such as breaking the seventh commandment, advocating for breaking the sixth commandment, and generally being kind of gross.
“Germs are not a real thing. I can’t see them; therefore, they’re not real,” Hegseth explained while hosting Fox and Friends, hopefully jokingly.
“Cleanliness is close to Godliness,” Hegseth clarified. “Just like I was super close to getting a Ranger tab before the Army passed me over and lowered the standards for those bitches.”
Hegseth has long been an outspoken critic of women in combat roles, though he has fervently denied that these criticisms were sexist, instead emphasizing his fear of falling standards. While maintaining physical, mental, and moral standards has been top of mind for the potential defense secretary, he has continuously met opposition from the woke left. For example, Sen. Elizabeth Warren shamelessly defamed Hegseth’s reputation by reading aloud his own quotes from talk show appearances, podcasts, and his book, The War on Warriors.
Meanwhile, Sen. Mullin defended Hegseth and even pointed out the hypocrisy that exists in Congress, such as sex scandals and drunk night voting. Following the hearing, he further bolstered Hegseth’s reputation.
“Is Pete a cheater? Sure, but who among us isn’t?” Mullin asked in front of his bewildered wife and mother of his six children. “And did he maybe mismanage funds allotted for veterans… I mean, that is par for the course here in Washington.”
Iowa Senator and veteran Joni Ernst gave a qualified endorsement of Hegseth while also expressing concerns about the defense budget, sexual assault in the military, and maintaining standards.
“Look, I don’t like the guy. He stinks both literally and metaphorically,” Ernst remarked. “But if I hamstring his nomination, am I really any better than Tuberville?”
This is a developing story.
Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart ass
