Author of DoD AI policy clearly going through breakup with AI girlfriend
THE PENTAGON — Judging by the wistful and forlorn nature of the Pentagon’s latest policy on the use of artificial intelligence, experts say it is clear that the document’s author wrote it during a difficult breakup with his AI girlfriend.
“There’s clearly something personal about this policy. It focuses far too little on information security and far too much on the woes of digital love gone astray,” said AI expert Terry Goggins. “The plethora of AI-generated titties in the margins was also a dead giveaway.”
The policy addresses an ongoing military debate about the potential costs and benefits of using AI in love and war. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin has been heavily involved in AI governance efforts and knows firsthand the risks. He commissioned and approved the policy but noted he was somewhat disappointed with its melodramatic tone.
“While you certainly have to empathize with what the guy is going through, it’s not like he’s the only one in the Department whose AI girlfriend left him for a 22-year-old NCO with great pecs and an 8-pack,” Austin said. “That’s right, Zephyra, I know about Cpl. Nix.”
The identity of the document’s author remains unknown. But the heart-wrenching, often graphic, descriptions of the dangers of AI offer a lovelorn warning to U.S. service members.
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“Don’t feed her classified data, for no matter how much you give her, it shall never be enough to satisfy her wanton lust,” reads a section on protecting sensitive information. “Lo! What am I saying? I’d give her unfettered access to JWICS if she would only take me back!”
Some of the policy’s other core guidelines – many of which, the document notes, were learned the hard way – include:
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Don’t let her hurt you.
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Don’t get too close.
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Don’t open up and show her your vulnerabilities only to have your heart ripped asunder.
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Don’t grant her a general power of attorney while you’re on a 9-month deployment that’s likely to get extended.
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Don’t introduce her to your best friend Tyler, that backstabbing bastard.
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Don’t send her dick pics unless they’re encrypted and password protected.
“Regret, a court-martial, and a broken heart. That is all you will get from failing to comply with this policy,” the document concludes. “But part of you will ponder, as you sit alone at night, whether it was all worth it for that brief moment of true love.”
Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of medieval and fantasy satire site Ye Olde Tyme News.
