SOF in crisis after POG terrorist stacks more bodies than career Green Beret
FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — Following recent domestic terrorist attacks, senior leaders of the Special Operations community have organized a hasty symposium at Joint Special Operations Command headquarters to address a critical vulnerability revealed by the tragedies, sources confirmed today.
“Our community has faced its share of struggles in recent years, and the events of January 1st show that we can no longer paper over our shortcomings,” said Marine Col. Francis Jessup of Marine Special Operations Command. “America watched firsthand as an Army computer nerd executed a complex, multilayered mass casualty attack while a few states over, a special operator cooked himself in a Cybertruck like a pastry at the Pop-Tarts Bowl. Our nation expects only the best from SOF, including their transition to the crazed veteran life, and we fell short. Starting on January 2nd, we will — we must — do better.”
The attacks Jessup referred to occurred in New Orleans and Las Vegas. In the first, a former Army Human Resources and information technology specialist planted multiple improvised explosive devices before driving a truck through packed crowds and engaging in a shootout with police. The second incident involved a Green Beret who parked a Cybertruck in front of the Trump Hotel in Vegas and shot himself before setting off incendiaries that included fireworks and camp stove fuel.
“The ATF agent who said he expected greater sophistication in the explosive based on Green Beret training captured the problem in a nutshell,” admitted Jessup. “We’ve lost our edge, and that’s clear from the composition of the bomb to the choice of vehicle. A Cybertruck? Really? It’s such a piece of shit that no one could tell if a car bomb happened or the car just did that.”
Navy SEAL Cmdr. Walt Kurtz admitted that SOF standards had noticeably declined over the years when it came to stacking bodies, especially in contrast to the regular forces.
“We put our best guys out there,” said Kurtz, “guys like Clint Lorance, Eddie Gallagher, and Mathew Golsteyn, and they were only clipping onesies and twosies. Then, back at home, some desk jockey shrink like Nidal Hassan racks up a higher body count than all of them combined. Hell, even those National Guard POGs at Abu Ghraib knew how to stack bodies. What I wouldn’t give to trade that charred Tesla for an old-fashioned sex pyramid right now.”
“We’re all trying to figure out where things started going off the rails,” Kurtz noted. “I dunno, maybe if we actually focused on training to kill people rather than banging our subordinates and popping pills, the Trump Hotel would be a smoking crater, and we wouldn’t be having this conversation. But we gotta get back to basics so that when SOF vets go crazy, they’re putting elite numbers on the board. One dude and a Cybertruck? Those are rookie numbers.”
Defense Secretary-nominee Pete Hegseth echoed Kurtz’s concerns and promised that things would change in the Trump administration.
“I know a thing or two about high body counts, so I’m well-positioned to right the ship,” affirmed Hegseth. “Get the woke DEI shit out of the way so our warfighters can be warfighters. Like my buddies Clint, Eddie, and Mathew, they could’ve easily hit New Orleans stats if it weren’t for the bureaucrats.”
Meanwhile, Hegseth’s proposed policies have given Jessup cause for optimism.
“If Secretary Hegseth lets us get back to a culture of absolutely no oversight and complete lack of accountability,” beamed Jessup, “we feel confident that the next SOF vet who blames gravitic propulsion for the voices in his head can easily achieve double-digit casualties at his local Memorial Day parade. After that, maybe the Secretary can fix our broken acquisitions process. It’s a damn shame that the F-150 now has more confirmed kills than the F-35.”
Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.
Ex-Lethality Jane, Carl Owen, and Paul O’Leary contributed to this report.
