Russian Army implements mandatory ‘bring your child to work’ program
MOSCOW — In a move that Western analysts are calling “an act of sheer desperation” and “wildly Russian,” the Russian Ministry of Defense has unveiled a new policy requiring all soldiers to participate in a “Bring Your Child to Work” program. The initiative, aimed at boosting morale and addressing the military’s dwindling manpower, is now entering its implementation phase.
“Why waste perfectly good resources?” said Russian Defense Minister Andrey Belousov, holding what appeared to be a vodka-laced lollipops. “In times like these, you need to get creative with your workforce. Look at the great historical leaders: Kutuzov probably brought his kid to work. Why shouldn’t we?”
The Kremlin’s official stance is that the program will inspire the next generation of Russian warfighters and “remind current troops what they’re fighting for.” But sources on the ground report that soldiers are somewhat divided on whether it’s a morale booster or just “one more thing to worry about between artillery barrages.”
“You try leading a tank battalion while also finding a juice box for your kid during a mortar strike,” grumbled Lt. Ivan Smirnov, who was seen struggling to load a T-90 tank while explaining multiplication to his 7-year-old daughter, Svetlana. “My commanding officer keeps telling me to focus on the objective, but the objective right now is figuring out this damn math homework.”
The program has also been praised for helping solve the Russian Army’s growing manpower crisis. According to inside sources, there was talk of allowing conscripts to bring family pets as backup in desperate situations. Yet the Ministry ultimately decided that children were a more practical resource. That, and all the pets that had managed to make it to the front were quickly eaten.
“We figured we’d go with kids first,” Belousov explained. “They’re smaller than adults, harder to hit, and statistically, they run faster than our BMPs. It’s a win-win for operational efficiency!”
Some units have already reported battlefield success using children in innovative ways. Recon teams have started deploying their toddlers to crawl under barbed wire and sneak through tight spaces enemy soldiers wouldn’t expect. There is even talk of assigning teenagers to social media psyops, as “nothing demoralizes an opponent faster than a 15-year-old with Wi-Fi and strong opinions.”
The Ministry of Defense decided on the recent program after being confronted with the data yielded from their previous “Bring Your Babushka to War” initiative. While Russian grandmothers possessed unmatched psychological resilience, their can-do attitude was disappointingly and aggressively confronted by MLRS rockets.
Predictably, reactions from the international community regarding the “Bring Your Child to Work” program have ranged from stunned disbelief to cautious mockery. The U.S. Department of Defense said that while “bringing your child to work is typically a fun and educational experience, this is perhaps taking it a bit too far.” Meanwhile, the British Ministry of Defence responded simply by sending a care package of tea and a note that read, “Good luck.”
On the other hand, the Ukrainian military was reportedly thrilled at the idea, releasing a video statement that essentially said, “Bring all your kids, we’ll take them too.”
Ultimately, it’s unclear whether this will be the morale-boosting solution the Kremlin hoped for or just another chapter in the long-running saga of Russian military mismanagement.
What’s certain, though, is that while the enemy might be prepared for tanks and artillery, nobody’s ready to face a line of toddlers asking, “Are we there yet?” while their parents attempt to invade another country.
WE Linde contributed to reporting.
