Walz stops rally to tell sleepy attendee to stand up in the back
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — During a recent campaign rally in Michigan, supporters and potential voters of the Harris-Walz ticket got a glimpse of Governor Tim Walz’s previous career as an Army sergeant major when a sleepy rallygoer brought out Walz’s inner senior noncommissioned officer.
“This is a campaign of joy and looking forward!” the former National Guardsman of 24 years shouted before observing one of the rally’s attendees starting to doze off. “Vice President Harris and I intend to…what the F…wake him up! Hey, hero, stand up and get to the back of the hall! God dang!”
Walz continued, “I better not see any more god dang eyelids from up here, Hooah? If you can’t stay awake, I got something for you! Y’all wanna play games? Cuz I got more games than god darn Milton Bradley! We can do this rally from the front leaning rest, Roger?”
The Michigan rally was just the most recent in a series of incidents in which the Minnesota governor has appeared to slip from his more publicly known folksy midwestern demeanor and back to his days of enforcing standards and discipline in the ranks of the Army National Guard.
Campaign staffers have reportedly begun calling these apparent breaks in character “Sar’n Major Walz moments.” Staffers who spoke on the condition of anonymity have reported hearing pointed comments about haircuts, gig lines, and how well staff members’ shoes are polished.
“Everyone is afraid to put their hands in their pockets now. And what the fuck is ‘being green on medical,’ anyway?” asked one staffer.
The Harris campaign staffers aren’t the only ones feeling the impact of having an enlisted veteran on the ticket. Unconfirmed reports suggest that since J.D. Vance, a former U.S. Marine corporal, became the vice presidential candidate, Trump Tower has seen a significant spike in dick drawings on bathroom walls and random surfaces.
“I understand the importance of having a veteran on the ticket,” said the anonymous Harris campaign staffer, “but this is…oh, shit. I gotta run. I just got a text from my supervisor. We have to meet the governor downstairs in five minutes with a water source.”
Governor Walz declined to comment. Although he had agreed to make a statement, he instead went running across the amphitheater floor yelling at a volunteer who appeared to have neither a battle buddy nor a reflective belt.
Paul J. O’Leary is a retired Army First Sergeant who enjoys recreational axe throwing and writing and survives on way more coffee and social media than he’d care to admit. He likes his coffee and his humor dark and he believes everyone is entitled to his opinion.
