Colonel Sanders, Cap’n Crunch locked in bitter stolen valor feud
CHICAGO, IL — The American eating industry is engulfed in scandal as two beloved food icons accuse each other of making half-baked claims about their military rank and service record, sources confirmed today.
The recipe for controversy began when long-time KFC spokesman Colonel Sanders questioned Cap’n Crunch, the famed cereal front man. Sanders noticed that for years, Crunch wore three rank stripes on his sleeve, indicating that his true rank was commander.
“That loser Crunch has faked being a captain for decades,” said Sanders, who also took issue with the Cap’n’s Napoleonic-style hat and full epaulets. “His half-assed outfit came from a thrift store outside Quaker Oats.”
He continued: “I’ve seen plenty of Navy captains strolling out of my restaurants with buckets of chicken under each arm, and he’s not one of them.”
Cap’n Crunch responded that although he considered it “undignified of the cereal service” for veterans to disparage each other, “I’ll make an exception here because Sanders isn’t actually a veteran of anything.”
Crunch countered that Sanders’ white suit, goatee, and string bow tie are not a military uniform.
“What service is he actually a colonel of?” Crunch asked, “The saturated fat force?”
“Plenty of soldiers and sailors can question my service,” Crunch said, “but Colonel Cholesterol here ain’t one of them.”
Reactions in the Department of Defense are mixed.
Cmdr. Janine Nask of the Pentagon’s Navy Personnel Office said, “The Navy has never confirmed Cap’n Crunch’s service. But hell yeah, the sugar-crunchy goodness of Cap’n Crunch has been part of a Navy-balanced breakfast forever.”
Nask said that Crunch meals fueled many famous Navy decisions, such as the Littoral Combat Ship and contracting with Fat Leonard.
Neither the Army nor the Air Force claimed Col. Sanders. The Space Force agreed to validate his service if Sanders was willing to wear their double-breasted uniform. Col. Sanders has not responded.
At Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton, Lance Cpl. Mario Ramirez told reporters it was “impossible to give a single flying fuck” about these stolen valor claims because he finds both foods delicious and “the stomach wants what the stomach wants.”
Meanwhile, Rep. Ronny Jackson (R-Texas) called on both Sanders and Crunch to explain their service and officially requested confirmation from Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin.
“As someone who still calls himself a rear admiral after being demoted to captain for a few minor missteps, I can smell a stolen valor claim from a mile away, like it’s an open bottle of gin,” Jackson said.
In a statement, Secretary Austin said he intends to “address the vital Chicken-Cereal war as soon as he fixes all the others, involving real people with real problems.”
Aides close to Austin say that the Secretary hopes that Congress never asks for verification of the rumored wartime intelligence service of Mrs. Butterworth because “she did some badass shit that is still, like, really classified.”
Bull Winkle is a writer and amateur phrenologist, available to make your next party or international conflict negotiations super fun.
