Army establishes Virtue Signal Corps
SEATTLE, Wash. — The Army has established a new branch: The Virtue Signal Corps. The operational support branch is responsible for self-righteous, performative displays of arbitrary moral superiority across all domains of warfare, with particular emphasis on telecommunications, networks, and cyberspace.
The U.S. Army Virtue Signal Corps motto is “Cause du Jure.” The heraldry flags change irregularly, but the generals will assure you that they have “always been the current pattern.” The coat of arms portrays a gaslight between a Ukrainian flag and a marriage equality flag (the flags have always been a Ukrainian flag and a marriage equality flag, Duffel Blog has learned.)
“I was chosen for the Virtue Signal Corps because I just really care about important stuff,” reiterated Spc. Rian Jorgenson. “Most people don’t care about important stuff, but I do,” she said, seemingly for her own benefit.
When asked more about her role in the branch and specifically how it benefits combat arms and American lethality overseas, Jorgenson fell back on her MOS training and devolved into empty platitudes about “remote, sustainable justice-seeking movements to augment the equitable inclusion of socio-economically, non-heteronormative, racially, ethnically, cognitively-diverse neurodivergent populations composed of atomized individuals from historically-oppressed communities moving through spaces and occupying spaces to combat climate-driven resource-insecurity of intersectional identities, including persons experiencing houselessness, composing a broader systemically marginalized, colonized, economically-disadvantaged collective.”
The diversion technique is a textbook, “Word Salad Offensive,” one of many rhetorical maneuvers taught at the Virtue Signal Corps School on Joint Base Lewis-McChord, near Seattle. Other battle-tested tactics include “Jargon Jinking,” “Smug Strikes,” and “Re-education Raids.”
The screening process to become a so-called “Social Justice Warrior” is rigorous. The selection board scrolls deeply into a candidate’s social media record, looking for critical criteria like whether or not the candidate virtue signaled with the correct profile picture filters, be it a blackout square, a rainbow or a Ukrainian flag; If they posted an ice bucket challenge in 2014, a #timesup in 2017, or a photo of themselves getting vaccinated in 2021; and most importantly, the “x-factor,” if their posts contain the correct level of masturbatory, clout-seeking smarm while being backed up with little to no real-world action, keeping the endeavor well within the boundaries of “slacktivism.”
“Do they display ‘(noun of the month) is a human right’ lawn signs?” explained branch chief Gen. Drake Manfield III. “Did they brag about their Tesla before Elon Musk bought Twitter, and have they since proclaimed their animus towards Elon Musk? Do they hate J.K. Rowling enough? Here in the Virtue Signal Corps, we’re only looking for those who present a meticulously curated public image of being the best of the best. If a candidate lacks the sanctimonious, low-effort exhibitionism of a corporation during pride month or the tone-deaf hypocrisy of 25 celebrities singing ‘Imagine’ in front of their sub-zero fridges during a global pandemic and recession, then we don’t want them.”
The establishment of the new branch has been met with extreme praise and adoration within the Twitter echo chamber from which it came. The announcement was lauded with over 1,000 clapping hand emojis, several hundred comments reading “slayyyy,” and nearly 7.5 TikTok dances.
Not everyone supports the Virtue Signal Corps, however. One of the new branch’s most prominent critics is one of its initial architects, Maj. Brad Dinkler, who joined the Army in 2012 to “get Kony.”
“I remember it like it was yesterday,” the Major said, proudly wearing a “Culture War Veteran” ballcap. “I walked right out of that Occupy Wallstreet sit-in/Fukushima Awareness Poetry Slam, snapped off my Livestrong bracelet, and volunteered for the U.S. Army right then and there. But these kids are different. I mean, back in my day, we were just virtue signaling to get laid by the girls in our feminist literature class. But these kids aren’t having sex at all.”
Dinkler envisioned the branch as the key to recruiting the socially conscious soldier of the future, but he believes that the Corps has lost its way under the leadership of generals looking to score a quick political victory before retiring and running for office.
At press time, Dinkler quickly changed his tune.
“I am constantly learning and growing and grateful to be educated every day,” the Ph.D. and veteran of three wars chanted nervously, a shaky red dot appearing on his forehead. “I am the body-positive Major wearing camo. My pronouns are he/him/his. Let me take this opportunity to acknowledge that we are on stolen land.”
