Lance corporal asks squad leader to step aside for the good of the country
TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Marines have always looked to their leadership to set the example, and the grunts of 1st Squad, 2nd Platoon, Alpha Company, 1st Battalion, 7th Marines are no exception. Indeed, Lance Cpl. (third award) Jimmy “Dilly” Bowman of 1st Squad’s first fire team believes that it’s time for their squad leader, Sgt. Tommy Ramsey, to follow the standard recently set by their commander-in-chief.
“It’s been clear to everyone in 1st Squad for a long time that Sgt. Ramsey is no longer physically or mentally able to fulfill the role entrusted to him,” said Bowman. “So, for the good of the country and my own ass, he should step aside as squad leader.”
“Look, this has nothing to do with me being a fat fuck, constantly late to formation, and losing the firing pin for my M4 the last time we did Range 400,” Bowman elaborated. “I’m genuinely concerned for the welfare of my Marines, as well as Sgt. Ramsey’s well-being. All the signs are there that he’s not up to the job anymore. When he runs, his knees sound like a giant stepping on a pile of dry branches. He drinks his own dip spit. More than once, I’ve gone by his office in the head shed and seen him staring at his own reflection and whispering ‘doggone, doggone’ to himself over and over again. You can’t tell me he’s just a well-meaning elder millennial with a poor memory.”
Pvt. Wagner Encantalapolla agreed with Bowman’s assessment.
“Some days he slaps and others I’m like, shaking my head bruh. Like if you’re out at the range, between, you know, 1000 and 1600, and you start running out of CLP while you’re cleaning your weapon, he’ll show up out of nowhere and refill your bottle. Never seen anyone love lube more than Ramsey. You never gotta worry about your rifle being dry. But then at formation, he’s trying to call someone forward for an award, and he’s going on about treating people with dignity, and then he’s like, ‘uh, it’s a CertComm for, er, the brown man.’ Come on, half the formation’s Black or Hispanic. Ick.”
Duffel Blog reached out to Master Sergeant Dick Lyman at Manpower and Reserve Affairs about the Corps’ procedures for encouraging diminished performers to retire, but Lyman just laughed.
“If we pushed out every sergeant with a broken body and brain damage, we’d have no squad leaders left,” Lyman said.
At press time, Lance Cpl. Bowman said he might request mast with the regimental commander to see about getting his company commander, company first sergeant, and battalion sergeant major to step aside as well, although he said he’d settle for getting secured before 2300 on Fridays and not getting bitched out every time he was a run drop.
Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.
