North Koreans celebrate Kim Jong Un winning every Olympic gold medal
PYONGYANG — Olympic fever swept over the Hermit Kingdom faster than a winter famine this year as the nation celebrated the astonishing accomplishments of the North Korean Olympic Team in Paris. To date, the team, composed exclusively of North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un, has reportedly been awarded “all the gold medals,” according to state-run newspaper Rodong Sinmun.
“The divine athleticism of our Dear Leader has shocked the war mongering West, who reek of gun powder and Gatorade, and brought honor and glory to the people of True Korea,” said Kim Il-guk, President of the DPRK’s Olympic Committee and Concentration Camp Manager for Families of Losing Athletes. “I saw it with my own eyes.”
He then went into great detail about how, despite a torrential downpour and bolts of “heavenly lightning that cowed everyone else,” the North Korean leader executed flawless, gazelle-like leaps during the 110- and 400-meter hurdles.
Gen. Kang Sun-nam, the DPRK’s Minister of Defense, spoke of the one time it seemed Kim almost missed out claiming the gold in an event.
“It was during the pole vault,” he said from a prepared statement. “Comrade Kim easily cleared the pole, but his massive, divine manhood brushed the bar and actually dislodged it. Thankfully, his hands, quick as a striking falcon, reached out and stopped the bar from falling.”
U.S. military leaders voiced skepticism of North Korea’s claims.
“We haven’t been able to confirm or refute North Korea’s bluster,” said Col. David Perry, spokesman for U.S. Forces Korea. “We’ve got our best intelligence analysts looking closely at the claims. But North Korea is so opaque, there’s really no way to determine if Kim really did beat every single athlete in Paris. We’re hoping our spy satellites can somehow shed some light.”
DPRK officials dismissed American questions.
“Chairman Kim defeated the decadent dogs who consume Big Macs while stabbing infants, whether it was in the 3000M steeple chase, the pommel horse, or breakdancing. They have to console themselves with dishonorable silver and shameful bronze.”
At press time, North Korean officials have started planning a massive national feast of beets and tree bark to commemorate the Dear Leader’s victories.
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, writer, podcaster. Also likes to talk about pop culture and books on YouTube.
