Justin Timberlake gives your weekend safety brief
FORT DRUM, N.Y. — Listen up, Fam! We don’t have long and I have a lot to do before my world tour, I mean liberty!
We are coming up on the weekend and as we all know, a lot can happen. Before I say “Bye, Bye, Bye” to all of you chuckleheads, we have to go over some common sense safety tips. Starting off with an oldy but a goodie: Don’t subtract from the population or add to the population. If you aren’t ready to be a mom or dad, you know what to do.
Second, keep your hands to yourselves! I know it’s tough. Sometimes you find yourself just so caught up while performing at the Pepsi Super Bowl Halftime Show but trust me, it’s not worth it. To be clear though, if you assault or manhandle a woman, she will get in trouble and you will probably be totally fine, with zero impact on your career. It’s not a great look, though.
Next, remember, adultery is still against the UCMJ but if you are going to cut someone else’s grass, make sure you don’t get caught. I learned that lesson the hard way.
Do you want to go see JAG about a postnuptial agreement? I think fucking not! More on that note… If your relationship doesn’t work out you can just make fun of your ex and call her, erm, or HIM, mentally unstable. It’s super classy and people will respect you for it. It really works. Or at least, it did until they lifted the conservatorship and she got a book deal.
Last but not least, don’t drink and drive. Even if you have only had “one martini,” because let me explain, dipsticks, one martini with 8 shots of gin, 3 shots of vermouth, 2 olives, and a beer back is still one martini too many. Besides, an Uber (or in my case a chauffeur for my Bentley) is always cheaper than a DUI. On Monday morning, I want you back safe and sound.
Think I am joking? Well, just try me. Guess who’s going to have to pick your nasty ass up from jail when you step out of line. It’s gonna be me.
Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart ass