Has your child joined the Army? You may be entitled to compensation
Our legal team visits every recruiting event to make sure we get a piece of the pie if your child has been abused by military recruiting practices. (Source: DVIDS 265450 and that strip mall lawyer you’ve seen on local TV)
STRIP MALL LAW OFFICE NEXT TO THE RECRUITING STATION, Your Hometown — If your child joined the Army, you may be entitled to significant compensation. Millions of Americans have been exposed to children joining the Army, which is known to cause family stress, hatred of walking on grass, and overdosing on Motrin. If you are concerned about exposure, call us at 1-800-BAD-ARMY.
How did your child think about joining the Army? Sources include recruiters, drunkles, and the family memory of that distant relative who went to West Point and no one really remembers, but he certainly did well for himself until he got slaughtered like a pig in Haiti in 1891.
Symptoms of joining the Army include:
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Saying hoo-ah at inappropriate times, like when receiving Communion
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Getting Lifer Syndrome, which includes talking about re-enlistment before going to basic training (a doctor-recognized incurable disease)
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A tendency to announce they wrote a “blank check made payable to the United States of America for an amount up to and including my life,” mostly while arguing with restaurant waitstaff.
How Did Your Child Join the Army? For more than 248 years, Soldiers and their families have drunk green Kool-Aid and bathed in stories of military glory from Yorktown to the 1992 Rodney King riots. Your child may have joined in a fit of mental illness and a recruiter said he didn’t hear that. That is not your fault. It’s only natural that a clinical diagnosis stems from this compensable experience.
What is Army Kool-Aid? Water sources at all Army recruiting offices have been contaminated with “Currahee,” a toxic drug. Currahee is known to the medical community to cause Lifer Syndrome and a tendency to wear over-the-top military-themed T-shirts in places like churches, children’s museums, and on TikTok. Your child was likely exposed. Exposure may increase your financial compensation.
Army Recruitment Lawsuits. Our class-action lawsuit enables family members of Army victims to seek compensation. Individuals with family members who enlisted are eligible for free, no-obligation case reviews by former Army attorneys working on contingency. Contingency means they may or may not be available depending on whether they’re incarcerated or busy fighting their general discharge status.
Medical Information. If your child has seen an Army recruiter for more than four hours, call 911 or send them to an Air Force recruiter.
*Legal Disclaimer: Past results don’t guarantee future results (just like American military victories). By submitting a request for a free Army case evaluation, you agree that we may attempt to contact your Soldier using email, text, or their 1st Sgt’s Tinder account. All information provided to us is confidential and will never be sold (haha) or shared (haha) with anyone (haha), like their platoon leader, CID, or that liberal Senator who hates our nation. The information we collect will only be used to evaluate your case with the nearest Staff Sgt. we can find, who is usually at the smoke pit right outside our strip mall office. After you submit your information, which we know is probably fake, an attorney will attempt to contact you by phone, email, or OnlyFans. At any time, you can request that we stop contacting you by emailing us at SleazeLaw@welied.us. We do not sell, rent, or lease our customer lists to third parties, but we do give it to local police departments and the NSA. After you become a client, we may share your pathetic story for likes on Facebook and Instagram, and possibly with doctors or nurses who help us evaluate your case’s medical aspects to increase our judgment paycheck. You may be contacted by that former warrant officer paralegal who spent their career writing wills at Fort Drum. Offer not valid in Russia, Yemen, or Berkeley.
Lieutenant Dan only reads headlines and comments before forming an opinion.