In wacky mix-up, IDF attacks Columbia University as NYPD storms Gaza
NEW YORK, NY and GAZA – Confusion reigned Friday when members of the Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) and the New York Police Department (NYPD) found themselves hilariously misplaced after IDF Chief of Staff Herz Halevi and New York Police Commissioner Edward Caban simultaneously uttered the words, “I’d like to be you for a day!”
Geared up for combat, members of the IDF’s Sayeret Matkal found themselves storming Columbia University’s administration building as members of the NYPD’s Strategic Response Group (SRG), equipped to clear students and random white people wearing keffiyehs from Columbia’s campus, were shocked to find themselves suddenly standing in the remains of Gaza City. The bewildering switch sent students, soldiers, cops and Gazans alike into a frenzy of confusion that resulted in nutty antics, a global comedy of errors, and a rollicking good time for viewers.
The confusion began early Friday morning when the suddenly transported IDF commandos, mistaking the Columbia campus for Rafah, descended onto the campus. Students, accustomed to the stress of chanting and hunger striking, but not expecting a special operations raid, were initially bewildered by the military presence.
“I thought it was an avant-garde performance art piece,” remarked Jenny Scribbles, a sophomore philosophy major, as she witnessed the arrival of tanks on the university steps.
“The IDF sincerely apologizes to the students and faculty of Columbia for running over their encampment in a Merkava main battle tank, as well as accidentally backing the tank over it six more times,” IDF spokesperson Lt. Col. Richard Hecht stated, reflecting on the chaos at Columbia.
5,700 miles away, members of NYPD expecting to deal with passive resistance proceeded with their operation under the belief they were still in New York City.
“What the fuck, right?”, said SRG officer Sgt. Domenic Montenaro. “What ya gonna do? The falafel was as good as anything I ever had in NYC, who the fuck knows the difference?”
“Officers were confused because all the ‘Death to Israel’ signs seemed on brand, but after a while, they noticed all the signs were in English and none of the people they were beating up were drinking Starbucks or wearing Birkenstocks,” said NYPD spokesman Carlos Nieves. “Realistically, I doubt there was a single trust fund amongst them.”
White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre assured reporters that President Biden “is concerned about the presence of American police officers in an attack on foreign soil as well as the possibility that an Israeli commando force took down an American university.” Jean-Pierre did acknowledge the Biden administration “will restore weapons shipments to Israel as soon as we receive a moderately satisfactory explanation for how fifteen unarmed protestors accidentally machine-gunned themselves at Columbia’s Hamilton Hall.”
Normalcy returned when both the IDF and NYPD, having learned just how difficult each other’s jobs are and having come to appreciate one another anew, simultaneously said, “I just wish I could have my old life back!” at the same time Russia and Ukraine heatedly said to one another, “I wish I could spend one Saturday in your shoes!”
The day’s events, ripe with confusion, unintended comedy, and a feel-good resolution in which everyone learned just a little bit more about each other, highlighted the surreal consequences of police militarization in an increasingly complex global landscape, the common humanity we all share, the tragic absurdity of war, and the danger of two opposing entities uttering identical words at the same time.
The Duffel Blog Staff still says Jodie Foster was better than Lindsay Lohan.