Iranian president witnesses firepower of fully armed and operational Jewish space laser
SCATTERED ACROSS A MOUNTAINSIDE, EAST AZERBAIJAN PROVINCE, IRAN — Following the fatal crash of a helicopter carrying Iranian President Ebrahim Raisi and several other senior Iranian officials, Interior Minister Ahmad Vahidi charged international Jewry with using a new weapon of mass destruction to cause the mishap.
“We were first warned of this cruel weapon by knowledgeable senior members of the American government like Marjorie Taylor Greene, but our intelligence suggested it was not yet deployed,” said Vahidi. “Sadly, our assessment was wrong. Witnesses along the helicopter’s flight path observed a bright flash shooting down from the heavens. Our ground-based radar confirmed that the blast came from the Jewish space laser. That thing’s operational.”
Vahidi confirmed that no effort had been spared in the search for Raisi’s helicopter, but poor weather, the remoteness of the crash site, and the global Jewish conspiracy all presented challenging obstacles to rescue teams.
“Our first responders are vigilant and well-trained, with extensive practice in rendering first aid after they first beat the shit out of protestors riled up by Zionists against our legitimately elected government,” Vahidi continued. “But with Jews controlling everything from the financial system to vaccine-borne nanobots, we must confess that our rescuers faced a difficult task. Indeed, it is likely that Jews first used chem-trail technology to cause the bad weather and then a time machine to retroactively inflict decades of poor aircraft maintenance and inadequate flight time on our pilots before unleashing their space laser to finish the job.”
Leadership uncertainty comes at a critical time for the Iranian regime as it attempts to stabilize regional tensions against the imperialist warmongering of the Great Satan, Little Satan, and various Non-Binary Satans of the Western world. Tensions were already high following the illegitimate Zionist state’s gross overreaction to some harmless pranks by Iranian proxy Hamas at the Re’im music festival on October 7, 2023. This was followed by the unprovoked destruction of Iranian missiles and drones carrying candy and teddy bears by murderous American forces earlier this year.
“But enemies of our Islamic Republic should take heed—we are ready for a smooth presidential transition,” warned Vahidi. “The integrity of our election process is well-guarded and we know that the Iranian people are behind us. Or, in some cases, six feet below us; just ask Mahsa Amini. We are also preparing celebrations in honor of the memory of President Raisi, to include a commemorative release of Iranian troublemakers from the bonds of existence on this mortal coil.”
Vahidi stated that despite the efforts of the Jewish space military industrial-complex, many countries had come forward offering assistance in the search. This included Turkey, which provided a long-endurance UAV with high-quality sensors and advanced navigation systems. Vahidi noted that the use of drones in search-and-rescue operations was a novel application of this technology. “It frankly never occurred to us to build drones for something besides selling them to our neighbors to blow up apartment buildings and kill children,” he said. “Perhaps some good can come from this tragedy after all.”
A U.S. Defense Department spokesman was asked whether the American government had foreknowledge of the Jewish space laser’s deployment, given public statements by Representative Taylor-Greene.
“Of course not,” replied Col Ian Thomson. “Besides, we don’t even give Congresswoman Taylor-Greene actual intelligence during the ‘special’ closed-door briefings she demands. It’s just a mix of Scott Adams tweets and Ancient Aliens episodes.”
Asked about the cause of the helicopter crash, The Elders of the International Jewish Conspiracy claimed ignorance but offered that it might have been a mining disaster. As to the fate of long-time friend of the Jews Ebrahim Raisi, they had only this to say: “Mazel tov, mother fucker.”
Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.