Navy introduces douchebag to admiral program
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Navy has introduced a new initiative aimed at promoting more douchebag naval aviation officers to higher ranks. The Douchebag to Admiral Program (DAP) is a strategic effort set to launch in May in hopes of transforming even the most insufferable and brash aviators into top-notch admirals with a heightened sense of which way the political winds are blowing.
Admiral Beau ‘Cyclone’ Simpson, the mastermind behind DAP, remarked in a press conference, “We realized that reprimanding these egotistical aviators was futile. Directing their ‘Top Gun’ vibes into upper management positions with minimum resources to accomplish the mission will ensure office drama unfolds like a high-stakes action movie. But if we can get them now, we can turn them into easily managed, predictable, automatons with fantastic instincts for self-preservation.”
Eligible candidates for the DAP program will be identified through peer nominations, performance reviews filled with colorful expletives, and an uncanny ability to create tension in any room they enter. Once selected, participants will undergo an intensive six-month course that includes empathy training, teamwork exercises, and what is also often a first exposure to humility.
The DAP program includes mandatory courses like “Humility 101: From Top Gun to Top Humble,” in which aviators learn to tone down their egos. In addition to the basics, the training program offers “Communication Makeover for Admirals” and “Diplomatic Dialogue Demystified,” a workshop on turning brusque commands into suave strategic directives.
DAP isn’t just about classroom learning, it incorporates hands-on experiences to simulate real-world scenarios. Aviators will undergo “Dealing with Difficult Sailors” simulations, where they’ll practice resolving conflicts without resorting to “You can’t handle the truth!” moments. Additionally, mock press conferences will teach them the art of evasive yet polished responses to tricky questions.
The Navy has enlisted seasoned mentors known for their diplomatic finesse, legendary poker faces, and wit sharper than a fighter jet’s nose cone. One such mentor, Admiral Solomon ‘Warlock’ Bates, shared his excitement about the program, saying, “I’ve seen pilots who think they’re Tom Cruise, but with DAP, we’re aiming for Tom Hanks.”
In a surprising twist, the DAP also includes a segment on fashion sense. “Gone are the days of aviators strutting around in aviator sunglasses and leather jackets,” remarked Lieutenant Commander Natasha ‘Phoenix’ Trace, the program’s style guru. “We’re teaching them that you can’t lead a fleet if your uniform screams ‘I’m compensating for something.'”
Despite mixed reactions, the Navy is confident that DAP will produce a new generation of admirals who strike the perfect balance between confidence, humility, and politics. Admiral Simpson concluded the press conference with a smile, saying, “We believe that every douchebag has the potential to become an admiral – they just need a little guidance and a lot of political instinct development.”
Adrian DeRyder is a retired soldier turned comedian. He used to serve his country, but now he just serves punchlines.