Americans wondering if we can just get WW3 over with already
EVERYWHERE, USA— On Jan. 28, 2024, three US soldiers were tragically killed in a drone attack in Jordan, orchestrated and carried out by an Iranian militia group. US forces responded on February 2, striking 85 targets affiliated with the Iranian Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps’ Quds Force. With those exchanges followed by Israel’s April 1 strike on the Iranian Embassy in Damascus and an Iranian cruise missile and drone attack against Israel on April 13, international peace advocate Russia is urging restraint while Americans are asking one really important question:
Are we going to make WW3 a thing or not?
It’s hard to say. Many Americans have been holding their collective breath for over four years due to what seems like a never-ending number of events that remind US citizens of things that rhyme with “Starch Luke Werdidand”, “Girl Barber”, and “Tinvasion of Bow-land”.
While it feels like decades ago, it was only 2020 when General Qasem Soleimani went from present to past tense on Wikipedia. Then the president totally accused China of creating and weaponizing the COVID-19 virus. China also elected a guy for life and then set their sites on a funky little island that we are only sometimes allowed to call a country. For a while there, many service members actually thought there was a real chance of another land war in Europe. However, the current president, the Congress, and Americans generally have moved on from that minor squabble.
“It’s been kind of a blur if I am being honest,” stated Marine 2nd Lt Luis Garcia-Valladerez while emptying a Zyn pouch into his morning cereal and mixing it up with his KA-BAR “It went from Iran to maybe China then like, definitely Russia but not actually, to Gaza, to Iran again. Who knows what will happen tomorrow? The anticipation is killing me!”
The anxiety and distress concerning the looming threat of war extends beyond the military. In fact, the American Medical Association has recognized this mutual dread as a very real condition dubbed “Pre-TSD” or Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
“Many of my patients have been suffering from Pre-TSD,” explained Dr. Thuy Lan Pham, a VA psychiatrist with surprisingly zero parking lot quitters under her belt. “It is hard to reassure an old shell-shocked Marine that China or Russia or whoever isn’t going to bomb us when just looking at my name tag gives them war flashbacks!”
Despite growing tensions and questions about the safety of US lives, the hangover of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan is hard to shake. Most Americans are not keen for the nation to become officially involved in another conflict. But the lack of muscular response to recent happenings is leaving many confused.
But Lt. Cdr. Carla Grzadzielewski, assigned to the Perry class guided missile frigate USS Antrim, thinks she has it figured out and her answer is, “Let’s get it on.”
“I am not hawkish,” Grzadzielewski insists. “But some folks just need a metaphorical Twisted Tea to the face before they learn their lesson and I think it is my patriotic duty to help make that happen.”
Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart ass.