‘Just an exercise,’ says USAF of ominous, ancient Egyptian-style gate erected ahead of eclipse

WRIGHT-PATTERSON AIR FORCE BASE, OH. – As excitement builds across the United States for the upcoming total eclipse, joint US military units at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base have been busily setting up ominous “gate-shaped” structures covered in what appear to be ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. The structures, surrounded by statues of various pagan deities, are located by the airfield, which is located directly in the path of totality.

“It’s just an exercise,” said Col. Ariel Batungbacal, commander of the National Air and Space Intelligence Center. “There is no need to worry or to smear the blood of lambs over the doors of your homes.”

“Hail Anubis,” she added.

Residents near Wright-Patterson have recently complained about the increase in air traffic in the area, as multitudes of aircraft have been heard, but not actually observed, arriving at the base in the dead of night. Reports of “pulsating, tortured wailing” emanating from the airfield have also risen over the past weeks.

“This exercise is really bad timing, too,” said Dayton farmer John Tweedle. “All of a sudden there’s all these locusts flying around. They don’t seem to be going to the base, though. Maybe they’re scared.”

In a posting to the 88th Wing’s Facebook page, residents were urged to “shut their sinful mouths.”

According to Capt. Amanda Carter, spokesperson for the 88th Wing, preparations for Exercise PURIFYING FIRE have been underway for “millennia, um, I mean, for months.”

Indeed, witnesses on base have reported seeing numerous sarcophagi, altars, and various ancient relics unloaded from C17s over the past weeks. “Which is standard in any military exercise,” Capt. Carter explained.

Carter then provided some details of the exercise to help ensure minimal disruption for the public as they enjoy the “soul-cleansing” experience during the eclipse.

“In this case, there may be some disruptive sounds, as we are…testing new engines…that sound like the coordinated chanting of hundreds of acolytes. You may safely ignore these but please ensure your entire family has bathed and washed themselves clean prior to the eclipse.”

All leave for base personnel has been canceled for Exercise PURIFYING FIRE. Any service members not directly participating in exercise rituals are encouraged to “join their families during the eclipse and to cower before the searing Judgment to come.”

According to the Wright Patterson Military and Family Support Center, the exercise is expected to conclude at the end of the eclipse, or when the purification of the Earth has been completed, whichever comes first.

W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, writer/podcaster for Blowout in Damper Three.