In Controversial Ruling, Supreme Court Deems Enlisted Members ‘People’

WASHINGTON, DC — Hot on the heels of their previous controversial decision striking down the progressive Army tattoo policy, the Supreme Court has shaken the Department of Defense to its very core by declaring that enlisted members are ‘people’. 

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Roberts said, “While it leaves a bad taste in my mouth, not unlike Military Special brand vodka, this court can no longer deny that enlisted service members are, in fact, people, and are entitled to be treated as such.”

Writing separately, former Army Captain Justice Alito reluctantly concurred. “Whether they be Joes or Janes, Devil Dogs or Swabbies; whether they be called Schmitty, Snuffy, or Schmuckatelli, or TED, NUB, Boot, or Seaman Timmy, this court feels that each enlisted member must be considered a full person under the meaning of the constitution, and is entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, however misguided their pursuits may be.” 

At the insistence of the Supreme Court First Sergeant, Justice Alito clarified that liberty was “obviously subject to timely completion of all online training and not being red on dental.”

Specialist Zachary Alderman, E-4 Mafia union representative for the National Capital Region, praised the decision, calling it long overdue. “We finna get the respect we deserve, like, now when shops don’t want to honor our extremely legitimate punch cards entitling us to a two for one deal on Zyn pouches, we can be like, a person’s a person, no matter how sus.”  

The lone dissenting opinion came from Justice Thomas, who expressed concerns that enlisted members and their paltry paychecks could never afford amenities such as the yachts and motorcoaches that are at the essence of what it means to be a person in America.

“Enlisted ‘members’ have failed for several generations to pull themselves up by their combat bootstraps and prove themselves worthy of the moniker ‘people.’ I would instead look to the framers’ intent for a compromise that would deem that enlisted ‘members’ should be considered no more than 2/5ths of a person.” 

In a surprising twist, the ruling drew criticism from none other than Senator Tommy Tuberville who expressed that although corporations and embryos were definitely people, extending personhood to enlisted members made as much sense as letting women grow beards or punting on the first down. 

Reactions among the military services have been mixed. Seafaring organizations such as the Merchant Marines, Navy, and Coast Guard were all against the decision, while the land-based services seemed more accepting of the notion that enlisted members are not mere automatons present only for service to, and glorification of, a stratified commissioned culture. The aliens in the Space Force applauded the decision, while the Air Force simply pointed out that they granted personhood to enlisted Airmen more than thirty years ago.

Property book officers across the military celebrated when it was announced that the national stock number for enlisted members would be phased out in light of their new status as ‘people’.

“People joke about how certain equipment often grows legs and walks away,” said Chief Warrant Officer 2 Harold Foombler. “But can you even imagine how hard it is to keep track of equipment that actually HAS legs AND gets easily distracted by shiny objects? This is a real game changer for loggies everywhere.”

Military leaders from Russia and China mocked the decision. Vice Marshal Ri Yong-gil of the Korean People’s Army said that the ruling shows just how weak the imperialist American military is, praising the sharply contrasting DPRK legal framework which simply states that no one is considered a person. 

Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh and As For Class contributed to reporting

Ironic Major is a writer for @DuffelBlog. Aspiring mumble rapper. Notorious party crasher. Common sense aficionado. He also does balloon animals at parties.