Space Force declares bankruptcy after Silicon Valley Bank collapse
By The Ghost of Jimmy Carter
The Space Force—which some have called “the Coast Guard of the U.S. military”—has declared insolvency following the crash of Silicon Valley Bank (SVB). Initial reports estimate SVB held cryptocurrency for the service equivalent to some 80 percent of the Space Force’s roughly $1.2 million budget.
The Chief of Space Operations, 22-year-old Gen. Brad “Kyle” Chadston, tweeted the news Sunday afternoon.
“Fuuuck. I just woke up from a wiiiiiiiiiiiiilddd coke bender to see SVB shit their pants,” the general tweeted. “They held all our funds. My Air Force parents are going to be pissssed, brah.”
The report of the loss comes just weeks after the Space Force Supreme Guardian was photographed taking a Scrooge McDuck bath in gold coins.
With the Space Force unable to access funds, it is unclear what will happen to its telescope, YouTube Premium account, and converted 1996 Blue Bird School Bus. A GoFundMe page set up to cover costs had accumulated $243.11 as of Thursday morning, enough to buy the organization’s morning Starbucks run for Friday.
Congressional leaders were vocal about the danger of Outer Space being unguarded.
“When I look up at the night sky all I see is blackness. I do not like that” said Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy. “Who knows what the space thugs and gangsters are going to do without our Guardians. And don’t get me started on the Jewish Space Laser.”
The Space Force, founded in 2019, has proved invaluable to the safety of the United States. Over its 3 year history, the force has categorized 14 unidentified aerial phenomenons. Thirteen were revealed to be helium-filled dildos. The 14th was lost over Northern Alaska but was presumed to be another dildo. The armed service has also vowed to land a person on the International Space Station “by 2028 or maybe 2029. 2030 tops,” according to a report to Congress.
Gen. Chadston revealed that the agency’s finances are in even worse shape than Monday’s tweets implied.
“We had so many NFTs that are just gone. Gone. I am literally shaking,” he said. “Six months ago, our budget was like $13 billion.”
“We spent so much money on legos. Like … a lllooottt of money. Now, thanks to this and the FTX collapse … Yikes,” he added.
“Fuck. I just remembered my Lego NFTs.”
“When we still had the ducats, we spent like $200 large just to see how boobs looked in Zero G,” Space Force Col. Roger Bartman told reporters. “They looked sweet, by the way.”
“Just got a text from Trump. He is sliding a $20 to help,” Bartman added. “He says we’re the best, because he invented us.”
The FDIC, which has taken control of SVB, announced that Space Force funds held by SVB are not insured due to Chadston’s insistence that they be held in the controversial ChoadRocket cryptocurrency.