Report: Chinese balloon pilot was attempting to defect to US
MYRTLE BEACH, South Carolina — While attempting to escape the communist regime of China for the sanctuary of the United States, aerial balloonist Dong Chao Feiyu met a grizzly end over the waters of the U.S. East Coast last month. Following the orders of President Joe Biden, the Air Force blew both the balloon and Dong’s aspirations to smithereens, employing a million dollar missile to puncture a hundred dollar inflatable airship.
“Fuck,” Air Force spokesman Captain Buck Turgidson told reporters. “We didn’t know.”
Dong, a balloon pilot normally assigned to fly balloons for the Great Leap Forward Weather Observation Squadron Number 6, absconded with a heavily guarded spy craft. How he did so is still being investigated, according to anonymous sources in China’s People’s Ministry for State Security.
CIA reports suggest that Dong, under the celebratory inebriation of an extended Chinese New Year party, decided that—out of beer—he would fly to Qingdao on the coast for Tsingtao. Once aloft and sober, Dong realized his opportunity and decided to defect, after realizing the unauthorized flight would result in an Article 22 Grams of Lead.
Alerted to a suspicious aerial spy craft, the Pentagon was given the green light to dispatch the interloper and immediately sent two F-22 Raptors of the 27th Fighter Squadron from Joint Base Langley-Eustis, VA. The lead F-22, piloted by Second Lt. Curtis “Hipshooter” Jenkins fired, his AIM-9X Sidewinder missile, the first confirmed aerial victory of the F-22’s ignoble career. Jenkins immediately painted a balloon on the side of his aircraft.
Assisting in the operation were F-15 Eagles from thre 104th Fighter Wing at Barnes Air National Guard Base, Mass. They were supported by numerous aerial refueling tankers, a Marine Osprey unit from Cherry Point, N.C., the destroyer USS Oscar Austin, the cruiser USS Philippine Sea, the amphibious landing ship USS Carter Hall, the Army’s First Infantry Division, the West Point Glee Club, four Coast Guard cutters, and the South Carolina Sea Scouts (Pawleys Island Division).
It wasn’t until after the incident that the Pentagon became aware that a human pilot was onboard. Despite that, the Department of Defense has already authorized a special unit citation ribbon consisting of a sky-blue field with a small white dot in the middle to be awarded to every unit participating in the balloon shootdown. Jenkins added a falling stick man to the side of his F-22 representing Dong. When asked, Jenkins admitted it might be a bit tasteless, but it was still a righteous kill.
Initial debris collections have yielded 52 square meters of mylar, a set of solar panel arrays, and one left arm with an attached wristwatch. Hopes of finding sensitive intelligence equipment were dashed when a small black box was discovered that contained only a soggy egg roll, a half-eaten pork sandwich, and two empty rice wine bottles.
Balloon Pilot 3rd Class Dong leaves behind a wife and two children who now reside in People’s Political Reeducation and Athletic Shoe Factory Number 9.