Marine stops masturbating long enough to return fire
By Cat Atronaut
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — During a harrowing firefight this morning, sources report that at least one Marine stopped masturbating long enough to return fire.
“We were taking heavy machine gun and mortar fire, but not so heavy that I didn’t think I could finish first,” Lance Cpl. Richard Yankovich said. “Then Staff Sergeant gave a direct order to ‘get our dicks out of our hands’ and ‘suppress the enemy machine gun position.’ So I tucked it away and picked up my rifle.”
While the male Marines in Yankovich’s platoon lauded his tactical prowess, the female Marines were less impressed.
“I can do both at the same time,” Cpl. Jessica Lewis said. “Have been for years. I once killed a man at 500 yards in the middle of a combat jack. Hell, I’m jilling it right now.”
Indeed, female troops’ unique ability to simultaneously masturbate and take the fight to the enemy was a major factor in the military’s 2013 decision to allow women into combat roles.
“In extensive testing, we found that females outperformed males in masturbating from a concealed position, masturbating on patrol, and masturbating while operating heavy machinery,” Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin said. “What’s even more impressive is they did all of that while wearing body armor that was designed for males to jerk off in.”
The Defense Department’s findings have been backed by decades of evidence. Dave Grossman’s famous book On Killing found that, in the average firefight, only 10 percent of soldiers return fire. The remaining 90 percent continue masturbating.
“In World War II, a full 95 percent of soldiers spent the entire Battle of the Bulge wanking it. Possibly this was to keep their balls warm in the frozen Belgian winter,” Grossman said. “In Vietnam, that number went down somewhat, either because of better training or because jacking off in the jungle is slimy and gross.”
At press time, no one in the platoon could be reached for further comment as they had all resumed masturbating.
Blondes Over Baghdad contributed front line reporting.
Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman who spends his free time deadlifting in silkies. You can read more of his writing by subscribing to his medieval and fantasy Substack Ye Olde Tyme News.