Air Force shoots down military spouse after mistaking it for spy balloon
By Cat Astronaut
The US Air Force has shot down a military spouse over a base in Texas after mistaking the “large, blimp-like object” for a Chinese spy balloon.
“All these spy balloon sightings have had us on high alert. When we saw this globular, bulbous mass lurching towards base we had to take it out,” Maj. Derek Lambert said. “Turns out it was just Staff Sgt. Johnson’s wife going to the commissary to get a party size bag of Doritos.”
Soon after the incident, Lambert’s squadron nearly bombed the on-base McDonald’s after sighting what appeared to be a coordinated attack by multiple spy balloons. Luckily, they pulled up before anyone was hurt. The brash, screechy clucking noises coming from the targets indicated they were military spouses.
“Turns out they had a two-for-one deal going on for double bacon cheeseburgers,” Lambert said. “The spouse herds always assemble when there’s a deal for free cheeseburgers.”
This isn’t the first incident where mistaken enemy spy technology has led to dire consequences. Just last week in Florida, fourteen obese Army veterans were killed in a firefight after mistaking one another for World War I-era German dirigibles. And earlier in the month, a Navy captain scuttled his $3 billion destroyer
off the California coast to prevent it falling into the hands of an overwhelming “Chinese drone swarm” attack, which turned out to be a flock of seagulls.
“I had never seen anything like it. The enemy drones were swarming all around us, swooping down and stealing bread right out of sailors’ hands. I had no choice but to surrender the helm or send her to the briny deep,” Capt. Bill Martinez said. “Sure, it turned out they were just seagulls. But I’m pretty sure they were working for China.”
At press time, the Air Force was cleared of any wrongdoing after discovering the spouse was, in fact, a spy for the Chinese government.
Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman who spends his free time deadlifting in silkies. You can read more of his writing by subscribing to his medieval and fantasy Substack Ye Olde Tyme News.